From the Bully's Mouth

In light of all the media and social attention that has recently surrounded bullying (that we've already seem to have forgotten),  I've been doing a lot of thinking...I know, totally unusual for me.  When I was young I was a bully, a bad one....I doubt there was even a glimmer of a somewhat decent human being in me during my tween and teenage years.  I will get into it a little more in posts to come. 

I have pondered blogging about my experiences as a bully, from my perspective.  I've frantically searched the web for articles, blogs, anything that is expressed from a bully's (past or present) point of view.  Sadly, I found very few and nothing really substantial enough to mention.  Really, it brought me back time and time again to the same question.   How can we even begin to attack this issue without acknowledging why bullies bully?

I wholeheartedly agree that the bullied are victims.  They desperately need the helping hands and comforting voices of their communities, their peers and their authority figures to lift them up when they have been beaten down by words or physical aggression.  They need others to step in, for everyone to make it their business, to be their voice when it isn't heard, to help them overcome and preserve some sense of self-esteem.  I also believe the bullies are also victims, also in need of help but, not help just anyone can give them.

It saddens me that most of what I have seen in the media is empathy toward the bullied (good) but, the dehumanization of the bully (bad).  Bullies are people too, damaged people, sick people, abused people....I am surprised that many have just chosen to belittle, verbally abuse and degrade the bullies rather than consider that those very people were/are the ones that needed the help in the first place.  Like bullies are magically born that way, they just come out of the womb fists flying, armed with verbal ammunition waiting to be unleashed at the first vulnerable person to come along.  I doubt it.  Why people think they can solve a problem without focusing on the root source is beyond me and still has me perplexed. 

Psychology shows that it was once believed that bullies had low self esteem and knock others down to make themselves feel better.  It is now believed that most bullies simply act in this way because they have been bullied in some form at school or at home themselves.  In fact, bullies usually have good self-esteem but, use their aggressive ways as a form of anger management, it actually makes them feel better, gives them a sense of release.  Really all bullying needs to be addressed at the source, with the parents.   The cycle that is sometimes passed on by countless generations needs to be broken.

I've read blogs and articles that say that bullies just need compassion, they just need a hug.  That is such poppycock, I had people show me compassion when I was younger but, the reality is that I still had to go home at the end of the day. If you were to give me a hug, I was bound to give you a swift kidney shot and run away laughing.   I didn't have an extreme abusive upbringing but, there was a lot of emotional torment and I took on the role of mediator during a nasty prolonged divorce which in turn affected my development much more than I'm sure my parents realized. 

My saving grace was that my mother eventually had me "committed" to a psychiatric facility.  People make fun of me for it now, even I think the experience was rather comical...plus, it makes the awkwardness of me actually being in the nut house a lot more comfortable when you are able to laugh at it.  There my feelings were addressed, my parents were spoken to about how their actions affected my behaviour.  I believe they were told "you are killing your daughter."  I can't say that this totally transformed my family life, fact being that my parents still to this day cannot get along with each other but, things changed for me.  I was able to cope with my life a little better.  I stopped externalizing my feelings onto undeserving people.  I respected myself a little more, even better I respected other people and by the time I was 18 about one year later I was on a straight and narrow path where I was open to learn the lessons life had to teach me and to start evolving as a compassionate human being.  I wish it would have happened a lot sooner than that.  I would've saved myself and others a lot of trouble.

I still have "bully" tendencies.   Everytime I think I am about to be hurt a protective wall appears and garbage is literally spewed from my mouth in the attempt to intimidate the other person into believing I am right...about everything.  I work on those tendencies though, because I was given the tools to do so by counsellors, psychiatrists and psychologists. 

We are not all that blind, everyone can point out the bullies in children's lives early on.  I see the bullies in my son's group of friends even now.   I know who to keep my eye on...I think we all do to some extent.  My son has even participated in some forms of low-key bullying himself to fit in with those kids.  The first people I look at when Aidan does something that I feel is out of character is myself and my husband.  What did we do to make him feel like he needed to be mean to someone to fit in?  If I can't figure it out myself and change that thing within our home you'd better know that I would find a professional who could offer some insight before it got out of control.   

So, my plea is to the parents and caregivers.  Show the children empathy, teach them how to have some foresight as to how their actions can actually damage another person.  If you know the child is naturally aggressive or compulsive start teaching them early how to curb their aggression and how to handle conflict.  Show them how to be helpful and have a sense of community rather than helpless. 

Keep children social so they develop the skills and filter to know what is appropriate and what is not.  Enforce clear consequences and healthy consistent discipline so children learn to have respect for authority and understand proper conduct. 

Take an interest in children, monitor their activities and give them a sense of self.   Talk to them and listen to them, you'd be amazed at what you learn about their outside life from a dinner table conversation and a few questioned asked. 

Stop telling kids they are the best at everything.  Reality is they are not the best dancer, swimmer, skater, reader, wrestler, hula hoop er out there.  If they are the "best", everyone else is inferior to them.  Don't reward them for being the top dog, congratulate their efforts. 

Most of all teach them that compassion is not a weakness, love them unconditionally and make sure you show it so they feel it...don't just say it. 

Getting off my parental soapbox now.  No, really I am not a perfect parent, nor is my child perfect but, I am always trying to improve.  In my short-term experiences thus far and from observation and research I think these are key things to preventing bully-minded children.  I could be way off base. 

I really honestly believe the parents (or caregivers) are the only one's who can cease the bullying.  They need to care enough to look in the mirror and figure out what they are doing wrong.  If there is a child that you know is a bully, in whatever form grow a pair and talk to the parent/caregiver you could make them see something they didn't realize was there.  If you can't muster up the courage, talk to their school, daycare or in extreme situations child protection agencies.  Believe it or not some parents actually want to know how their children are behaving the 10 hours a day they are away from them....as for the others, all you can do is try.   

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (Reformed bully wanting to save others the trouble)