I've Been Trained

Met with the trainer today (Judd's sister).  Probably not a good start considering I stayed at a friends until 4am gabbing about nothing and everything all at once.  Dragged my ass out of bed at 10am had some french toast complete with syrup and butter (also not good before meeting with trainer) but, I didn't cook it so it can't be held against me.  Guzzled 2 cups of coffee (again...well you know).  Had a shower so as to not be bagged, fat AND smelly....and away I went 10 minutes late.  Come to think of it not being late should've been one of my resolutions because I seemingly do it all the time, although never my intention.  It must be because of all the Plants vs. Zombies I play some unknown force that just always wants me to be late for important dates.

Ordered up some iced teas and Kitsilano sandwiches which were yumma!  Got down to business....real skinny business.  Basically she told me that I am lucky to not be obese considering how inactive I am and that I eat junk food almost every night addictively....also the 4-6 cups of coffee I have daily each with cream and sugar to which she sort of just dropped her jaw.  I had to agree, the only thing that has saved me would be that I have the knowledge on how to eat properly and I do, all day everyday until the evening munchy gremlins get me, and they get me good.

The plan is to have "activity" 6 days a week.  3 strength days, 2 endurance days, 1 flexibility day and 1 day of rest.  Pretty cool right?  Yeah, she's an awesome trainer and really knows her stuff....she is possibly the only person I've met who actually can teach me things I didn't already know but, just haven't applied to my own daily existence.  I trained with her for a bit before I had to appear in a bikini in the Dominican and she practically killed me (kidding) but, it was crazy intense, I wasn't even allowed to watch TV while exercising...I cried a little.

I took the above picture of the pendant light fixture (totally not distracted) while she did a nice routine up for me, with goals to reach because she knows how absurdly competitive I can be, even with myself.  She said that when I reach the goals in a month or a week...wait a second, was that a challenge?....Did she challenge me and I'm not even realizing it until now?  Sneaky, very sneaky.  There are free weights, treadmills, resistance bands, stability balls and tables involved?  I'm a little terror-stricken but, I think I'll be able to manage.

She was demonstrating (in the middle of the restaurant) how to do a Lateral Raise and I just asked her to write "chicken wing" so I would know what to do....she may have been unimpressed at that point, I can't be sure.  There were a lot of things crossed out on my plan because I would tell her "oh, yeah bring it on that's so easy" and then when I saw what she was writing down I had a panic attack and started telling her she was crazy to think I could do all that.  So she wimped it down for me quite a bit to start out...nice of her I guess.

So my aim is to do what is laid out in the plan 100% of the time but, I FAIL if I don't get 80% for 6 weeks time.  Surprised that I am being graded (or must grade myself), not sure when a healthy lifestyle became some ivy league test but, I am too scared to find out what she will do to me should I fall below the 80% marker.  She may be tiny but, I know from experience that when it comes to personal training she doesn't fool around and can be quite frankly....scary.

I have to get 3-4 servings of whole grains, 5 of protein and 6 of veg/fruit daily.  Drink 3 litres of water (minimum 2 litres) and I must attempt to eat every 3 hours until dinner....breakfast when I actually wake up (coffee does not count as breakfast apparently).  Not to mention that I have to cut the coffee down to 1 cup a day, she would've preferred none or to drink it with only milk added but, that was non-negotiable for me.  So caffeine and sugar withdrawal plus tight muscles and having to pee every 5 seconds due to increased water intake should make for some fun times.  I would stay far away from me if I were you and batten down the hatches...wait for the all clear, make sure you bring plenty of supplies.  I've been warned this could take 12 weeks before I feel good about it.

I can have "extras"....which I am no longer allowed to call "treats" because she says a treat doesn't make you feel like shit (which was the most intelligent thing I've heard in a while). "Extras" are things that have no nutritional value but, she forgot about Reese's peanut butter cups....hello, peanut butter?  Totally not an extra....just totally not kidding!   I have to evaluate first whether or not to actually have the extra....do I really want it?  If I do, it's alright to indulge as long as I stay on par 80% of the time.  I've already calculated this to mean that I can have an "extra" 10 2 times a week.

E is for "extra" and elephantine (is that even a word, because if it is I am thoroughly impressed with myself) and excess and ewww

Then, I took the picture below (with only my Blackberry on hand) again, not distracted at all.  It was my view through the mesh blind in the restaurant...I thought the colors and the building silhouette's were totally cool with the sun beaming down on them.  I've missed you sun.

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (One day at a time....as long as it's 80% of the time)

Tubby Tuesdays Three

 Why did I start this?  Would someone please talk some damn sense into me when I get on the crazy train and make commitments like this.  Now, every Tuesday I have to sit down and get introspective on my feelings towards being overweight.  I was going to skip today's post and see if anyone noticed but, I've also started a bucket list and on it is to always "follow through", so now I'm doubly screwed.

Recent developments in the medical mystery that is my life has prevented me from even thinking about going to that dark place where I exercise and actually do something beneficial for my body.  My doctor feels an arrhythmia is my pulse so I'm getting a fancy Holter Monitor to wear around for a day (not my idea of great fashion statement).  I still think this is all related to Graves' Disease so not too annoyed worried but, I am totally exhausted daily so I don't think I can even scrape up the energy to do much else than what I need to or sit on my butt and blog.  As stated before I'm hoping early 2011 will bring some solid answers so I can put together a plan without any guesswork involved.  I have to say that this second bout of short-term setbacks in the health department have really made me want to grasp some sort of vitality, slowly my mindset is changing yet again towards wanting a life full of wellness.  Hindsight....always hindsight, let's pray I learn my lesson this time.

Still making small changes, in preparation for a healthier me...once I escape from this dark place in the corner of my mind and can actually set something in motion.  Still with the water, the night eating remains at a much lower consistency (but, it's still there), PGX Daily is still steady and this week I've begun to automate my breakfasts.

This is a very important step for us food addicts to take.  Breakfast is single-handedly the most important meal of the day.  If you haven't heard this before you have been living under a rock, you could also be deaf which is not funny.  The best way to ensure you get the most benefit out of breakfast and to break the temptation of  ripping your bosses delicious toasted white bread english muffin with melt-y salted butter on top right out of her hands and stuffing it in your mouth is to automate it.  No thinking, no swaying and you do it in such a manner to where you know you are putting some quality fuel into that soon to be hot bod of yours, if only but, once a day.  I find that as soon as I start to think about food or planning a meal, all my senses become alive and my mind starts reeling on whether I'm making the right choices, I can get obsessive about the "healthy" food I'm about to ingest which is the very behaviour I want to change.  First, I must establish a routine, break certain taste habits and the only way to do this is by repetition and the elimination of thought.

Everyday I eat this:

1 serving (with 1% milk or Rice milk) of Eco-Planet hot cereal

1 serving fruit (banana, orange, berries or an apple)

1 boiled Free Range Omega 3 Egg   -or-  1 serving low fat yogurt

It's easy, it's healthy and although I was fairly pouty about it the first few days, I now actually look forward to eating it every morning....especially the cereal, it's so darn delicious and easy!  The best part is that I don't have to think about what I'm going to eat because that's usually when I make the worst decisions.

Oh wow, my husband is running on the treadmill behind me and the noise is making me feel a little homicidal....must hurt Hasslehoff wannabe.....whatever I'll catch up, don't you worry. 

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (Shakin' my money maker...waiting for it to stop jiggling)

Tubby Tuesdays Two

One day, I'll be as skinny as this giraffe

So I promised to be accountable, and I'm delivering.  I have to say that I totally sucked this past week in the weight department but, I did make a few small changes that are worth celebrating (please send congratulatory money via Paypal, all major credit cards accepted).  Small steps are really all I can manage right now without accumulating assault charges against unsuspecting people but, am crossing my fingers that I will get some firmer answers and solutions in the upcoming weeks in regards to the medical issues I've been having and then I can do more.

This week I was able to religiously take my PGX Daily , they lower the glycemic index of your food, make you fuller faster so you don't over stuff your face as I am prone to doing (especially when there is sugary goodness involved) and keep you satisfied longer.  I've witnessed client after client use this strategy and if taken properly it can be a really great tool to help you lose weight safely and efficiently.  So I can't say that I've really lost any weight as of yet because of it but, I do notice immediate results when it comes to the plumbing.  This is one of the most important steps when it comes to weight loss, or trying to obtain optimum health and if you ain't doing some good work on the shitter, good luck with everything else.  Just ask Dr.Oz, he'll tell you and you can hear him say the word "poop" which is always good for a laugh.

Another thing I've tried (not really hard) to do is stop my night eating.  No food after supper (yeah right).  Okay, but, I have replaced the nachos and Slurpee's with better options such as popcorn (and NOT the movie theater style either) and water.  This is something I still need to master and is probably my biggest downfall.  There were a couple nights where I did manage to stay away from food all together and surprisingly I had this strange feeling called hunger when I woke up in the morning, I did practically knocked over AJ in a mad dash to the pantry in the morning looking for something, anything to stop those unsettling growling noises coming from my abdominal region.  I'm assuming this means that I allowed my body to actually digest a meal before shovelling more food into it and I'm sure my metabolism was frantically searching all night for food reserves and when it didn't find any started throwing a temper tantrum inside my stomach (hence the grumbling and pangs).

Water is the third and final thing I attempted this week.  Drinking enough of it that is.  Another one of my fat pitfalls and such a chore for me to change.  Because I also drink coffee, in turn I have to drink MORE water than usual as coffee dehydrates you after more than 1 cup (I have about 632).  I think I'm averaging about 4-5 cups of water daily now.....long way to go but, I'll get there.  I should probably just stop drinking coffee, I wonder what life is like when it's not moving at the speed of light?  I wouldn't bet the farm on it if I were you, I do not see caffeine withdrawal in my near future.

So I think I've attempted to do the 3 most important first steps to weight loss...Poop (ha-ha),  no feeding  Gremlins myself after dinner or choose healthier snack options and hydrate.  I will perfect these and hopefully add some motion to my plan with medieval torture methods otherwise known as exercise....excuse me while I go wash my mouth out with soap for saying such a dirty word. 

I leave you with this thought from Queen:  "Fat bottom girls, you make the rockin' world go round."

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper

Tubby Tuesdays

Foreword:  So I started writing the following post this morning and I'm going to publish it anyway even though so many things (basically me being an uncontrollable psycho) have transpired since beginning it.  I will post more about what happened today, tomorrow.  On with the show....

I've been thinking a lot lately about my health and.....my muffin top.  Although I doubt there was much I could've done to prevent Graves' Disease and Fibromyalgia (still think that one is a joke) I am almost certain there are things I can do to improve my symptoms.  In fact I know there are but, I much prefer being a big fat blob on the couch, eating my nachos and drinking my Slurpee while allowing one single tear to continuously flow from my left eye just so everyone knows how very sorry I feel for myself.


It's Genetic, I swear!



It's not that I want to look like a direct relative of the dough boy, in fact it's quite the opposite.  I actually have dreams about having the body that I did before my precious body snatcher son came along.  I miss you long lean legs, I miss you scarless flat tummy, I miss you tight uplifted rump...I mourn you daily.  Now I have more folds than origami and realize I either need to get moving, get motivated or just accept the weight that I have put on and dress it up as a permanent part of me. 

I have every excuse in the book not to do it.  Whaa, I don't feel good today.   Whaa, I have scars and stretch marks and cellulite, I'll never be the way I used to be so what's the point in trying.  Whaa, whaa, whaaaaa!  The reality of the situation is that I better get my fat ass in gear before I start treatment for the Graves' because at some point I am going to become Hypothyroid and it's going to be that much harder for me.  I am also prone to type 2 Diabetes genetically and hey, well why not throw that onto the heaping mound of crap that I already deal with.....I think not.

The sad and arguably most pathetic part about this weighty situation I've put myself in is that I am probably the most knowledgeable person on the planet earth (understatement) in health and weight loss.  Yes, that's right....I have worked at a weight loss clinic, an organic food store, I have taken courses in natural this and that, started a certificate program in it and have done countless hours of reading and researching on my own.  Now to top it all off, I work for someone who specializes in health via diet/exercise and supplementation....I have every resource at my finger tips but, very rarely apply it in my own life.

So I think now is the time to start.  NOT a diet, or an exercise program.  No, not this time.  It is time to start being accountable to myself and to others.  Every Tuesday I will blog about it...so that I am somewhat accountable.  I promise not to lie or leave out any details....like when I hide in the closet with the Nutella and eat the whole jar with a spoon and then take the top layer of trash out of the garbage can, put the empty Nutella jar in it and recover it so my husband won't see it and then yell at him for eating all the Nutella and not telling me so I can replenish the stock when I grocery shop. Just as an example, not that I've ever done that.  So right now, I am committing to do my best, be honest when I fail and take baby steps to make myself better (and less lumpy).  Starting tomorrow.  Right now I'm going to get into some fat clothes, watch the Biggest Loser, gluttonously eat nachos and relax.  WHAT?  I had a bad day.

Just to show you I am totally serious, I'm going to take a huge step and do something I'm possibly totally going to regret.  I am going to post my BEFORE picture.  Please don't laugh, or judge....it would crush me. It is very revealing and a picture I allowed my husband to take of me in a bikini on a private beach just in case I wanted to use it as a before picture.  I didn't think I'd have the guts to do it until now.

-The St.Godard Brood Keeper (aka Tubby Mommy)