Tuesday, March 01, 2011

Somethings Gotta Give

If I were a contestant on the Biggest Loser this week I would've heard that dreadful phrase "I'm sorry to say Sarah, you are NOT the biggest loser."  *sigh*

The truth of it is Kim and Pam totally handed my ass to me on a silver platter this week.  Pam is feeling so good about herself that her energy busted through my screen when I got her update yesterday (it was quite a site, wish I had my camera).  Kim had a lovely 4 day visit with her newly appointed FIANCE!  So a big congrats goes out to my skinny bitch Kim for taking the marital plunge!  She considers "intimate" relations and the flu as major contributors to her ridiculous amount of weight loss this week.  That could in other instances be a dangerous combination but, for her it seemed to be just the right one. 

I don't know really I have every excuse in the book....coming down from a high stress week, too many feel sorry for myself trips to the pantry, not enough sleep, not enough water...WAY too much coffee, pain and that's probably just the short list.  Truth is though that generally those are the very "excuses" from preventing most women from being consistent with weight loss.  We are always too busy taking care of other people, far too busy to even think about taking care of ourselves. 

I heard it all working at U Weight Loss;  "I had this horrible pain in my pinkie toe this week and I just couldn't go for a walk.", "My sister's best friend's dog died and it was just so stressful I ate a whole tub of ice cream.", "My husband wanted to watch football all day on Sunday so I forgot to drink my water."  Okay maybe some of those are exaggerations but, really not only do women in general not take care of themselves they also blame it on everything and everyone.  I know I do, most of the time. 

So I went 6 weeks doing well and for the past 2 weeks I've noticed a decline happening again.  What is with this 6 week mental block I have in me?  I think someone pushes my self destruct button while I'm sleeping.  Ugh.  Lucky for me I've managed to maintain my weight loss but, I know from experience the scale will surely begin to tip in the other direction soon enough.  Well NOT this time fat ass!  I'm done, I'm not going back before I start again.  I woke up this morning and made the decision, food diary again...on the treadmill tonight and we continue.  NO STARTING OVER.

I finally got my 24 hour collection over with for the Endocrinologist after a not so pleasant phone call from her office asking where it was.  She is checking for Cushings which is the very last thing I wait on before hopefully not seeing her again for another 5 months.  She just needs to keep an eye on the goiter to make sure nothing is changing.  If it grows anymore it will need to be surgically removed so I would like it to stay just the way it is thank you very much.  Other than that things have been improving on the health front nicely. 

Without torturing you further with my brain barf here are the stats for the week:

Skinny Bitch    Start Weight   Loss lbs    % weight loss   Total lbs    Total %


SARAH                167                   0               0%                      5            2.91%

KIM                     199                   4                2.01%               12           5.80%PAM                    186                   2                1.08%               10           6.12%

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper....ONWARD!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

My Big Fat Weigh In and Other Sad Stories

Well technically yesterday was "weigh-in" day otherwise known as weekly torture but, I did not dare step on that scale when I got home yesterday evening from a weekend in St.Malo. I crashed hard core but, luckily I compensated with quite a bit of exercise so actually getting on that scale today wasn't as traumatic as I anticipated it to be. No loss, no gain...I'm okay with that really.


I "escaped" to St.Malo this weekend sort of on a whim. My mother informed me that the Festival des Amis was going on all weekend and we should come on out...well let's just say after the 2 weeks I've had she did not have to twist my rubber arm one bit. In fact I cancelled all pending engagements and although this is the second time I've cancelled on a dear friend (Sorry Alida), I just knew I had to breathe this weekend....I was surely going to suffocate had I been left in my current state.

Aidan and I hit the open road straight after school let out on Friday and it couldn't have come soon enough. After a restless night of sleep on the couch and an emotional hangover all I needed was to get there...every minute passing drawing me nearer to my refuge, my sanctuary....my lifeline.

I hope that each one of you that's reading this right now has that place to go to, a place to just be and feel good, sleep, eat and be merry. In fact for some of you this may be your very own home and to you I say....consider yourself lucky because my home or the emotional hell that lurks there has torn me apart limb from limb ever since I can remember. Seem dramatic? Maybe. I've really tried to find the root source of my anxiety lately...accepted it, yes but, I still think it's important for me to open my eyes to my triggers and eliminate them as best I can because I really honestly deep down inside feel like at the ripe age of 29 I should not be in this condition. I am fearful of the path my mind and body are leading me down....where will it end...how bad will it get? I'm not willing to find out. I'm also too strong and have been through too much to give up now and let the fear all consume me.

My struggles have been small in comparison to war, hunger or addiction but, they have been struggles none the less. Each day brings new clarity for me, I'm learning to let go but, not before I wade my way through the pain I've carried with me for so long, like a toxic friend I never wanted to let go. Funny that pain can serve as a security blanket at times, preventing me from having to really live, to take risks...to move on.

I have found passion in photography. It is a fantastic outlet for me, gets me up and out whereas before I would've found every excuse in the book to do otherwise. Photography has removed the blinders I once had, it gave me back my true vision...to stop and look at the world that surrounds me, in the unexpected just as much as the expected. I feel a connection with nature’s majesty, its pureness and its astounding beauty. It has lit a fire in my belly that burns furiously pushing me to find new perspectives and interests around every corner. I tend to be obsessive about most new ideas or activities in my life (big surprise) but, this one feels different to me. It's a sense of belonging....that I am on the right path all of a sudden. I don't know how far it will go or what will become of it. What I know right now is that my camera has literally become an extension of me; the sound of the shutter drives me like nothing has ever driven me. I am in love.

Some of my closest friends and family members have had some real tragedies and hurdles thrown at them these past few weeks. A friend’s sister has her second Cancer operation which leads to more questions. A sister-in-law learns her father has just spent 3 days in the woods unable to move and has been rescued with a dim projection on his fate. A best friend experiences the up's and down's of a possible relapse of a disease that is ruthless and destructive and the idea that the monster rears its ugly head once again. An old employee gets a death sentence, an impossible decision and reaches out for some solace, some comfort. A Step Father receives news of a child's untimely and tragic death but is just out of reach to offer personal console. There were many sleepless nights, many tears, panic and sadness that is so profound it could easily consume you with its blanket of darkness.

Day after day, night after night I took those tragedies and cautiously placed them on my shoulders, carried them with me throughout the weeks ahead and late last week they all came tumbling off like an avalanche of emotion ready to suffocate anything that stood in its path. Normally I dig deep and find the empathetic part of me, the part that wants to listen, that wants to care but, this time I had my own emotional turmoil festering in the background which became amplified by the problems of the world around me. I had nowhere safe to turn, I felt stupid for adding anymore strife to these others already complicated lives and really who was I to complain? What right did I have to be sad or confused or angry? What they were going through was so much more significant, life changing even. For once in my life though, I was unable to bury my own emotions and broke, maybe but for a minute but, I broke. One of the scariest feelings I've ever had is to feel like I've lost my control and it was happening day after day and it scares the shit out of me to know I can reach such dark places so quickly that it hits me like a bolt of lightning and then I'm in it before even knowing it was there lurking around the corner...waiting patiently to strike. I have broken before, but when the fog clears I never remember how terrifying it actually is and I somehow manage to fool myself into believing it will never happen again. I am glad I have to tools to always force myself to reach out, grasping at any hand that can somehow pull me back into the light. There are very few choice people who will hear the emptiness in my voice when that happens and I thank God for them every time...I can't imagine it being enjoyable to hear that on the other end of the phone and I can imagine they have their cell phones out with a finger on the 9 just in case. If I don't say it enough or if I've never said it before....Thank You! You know who you are.

So switching gears here in a big way...the weigh in results for my skinny bitches this week. I look forward to this on Mondays (who'd of thought it would be fun to weigh in). Pam has taken back her lead as Kim and I stood still this week....life happens you know. Happy to announce that Pam had to go out and purchase a smaller waist size jean and she is feeling great! I think I'm going to try the exercise thing this week now that I'm in a better frame of mind. I know it will only get better once I get those pheromones pumping through me!

Here's the stats....enjoy!


Skinny Bitch     Start Weight       Loss lbs      % weight loss   Total lbs     Total %


SARAH                   167                     0                     0%                  5             2.91%

KIM                        199                     0                      0%                 8             3.86%

PAM                       189                      3                    1.59%             8              4.12%
- The St.Godard Brood Keeper

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Quickie


Pretty acurate portrayal of what I look like
weighing myself...oh except I don't have red hair.


Just a quick post for my Skinny Bitches....I'm all turned around lately, really busy with life in general and all the ridiculous things I take on.  Judd has started work at 7am now, so I'm up as soon as he leaves to get Aidan off to school and get myself ready for work.  Although I think Judd and I are both happier this way, it's taken some adjusting for me the last 2 days as I generally behave like I'm nocturnal.  Usually my head does not hit the pillow until after 1:00 am on a good day. 

Try to post a better update in the next few days but, for now the highly anticipated weigh in results:








Skinny Bitch    Start Weight       Loss lbs         % weight loss    Total lbs      Total %

SARAH               169                   2                     1.18%             5             2.91%

KIM                    202                   3                      1.49%            8             3.86%

PAM                   189                   0                         0%               5             2.58%

So Kim wins the week weigh in and pulls into the lead for the whole thing.  Don't get too cocky there Kim, Pam and I were just letting you have one to be good sports about it all.  A huge congrats to Kim as she has also quit smoking this past week and still managed to lose weight with all that stress! 

Pam's weight actually fluctuated quite a bit this week, weighing kind of sucks, it's not very accurate short term.  We're in it for the long haul though so shouldn't matter in the grand scheme Pam....you'll kick my ass do great!

Again if anyone wants to join us Skinny Bitches in the fight against fat, lemme know.  We're just getting started up in here!

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (aka Blubber)