I have not smoked for 15 hours, 38 minutes and 23 seconds. I have saved $6.60 and 1 hour of my life thus far. To some of you this may seem like a very simple thing to do....for me it is not. I am classified as a Pleasure/Crutch/Addictive smoker and this is the worst kind. I smoke when I am happy, I smoke when I am sad and I smoke because I am addicted physically and mentally. For the first while when I quit smoking (some of you remember I was able to do it from 2005-2008) I feel like I am mourning the loss of a very close friend. Hence the post.
John Players Silver Regular had been a very close friend of mine for almost 3 years now. We met through a mutual friend Marlboro in Mexico in 2008 when I went there for my wedding. Marlboro was really fun and it was cheap to hang out with him, little did I know he was plotting against me the whole time to send me on a downward spiral into a smoking abyss. I remember the last day in Mexico frantically running through the airport to find a designated spot where I could say goodbye to Marlboro once and for all! I wasn't aware that his replacement John Player's would be waiting for me back in Winnipeg.
When I returned to Winnipeg, I spent a week mourning Marlboro and the good times we had and then John Player's walked in to my life. I was so excited to meet him but, knew I could only hang out with him for a little while and then we would have to go our separate ways. Now almost 1030 days later I have finally managed to say goodbye. You see, John Player's and I had a very dysfunctional relationship. He would make me feel wonderful one minute and then stab me in the back the next. It got to the point where I felt ashamed to be friends with him and often we had to hide our relationship from the world and could only hang out openly with other people who had friends like him.
Judd especially did not approve of me spending time with him, and I feel badly that I was with John Player's at times where I should have been spending time with Judd or Aidan. Sometimes I tried to hide it from even Judd but, he could somehow always sniff out JP's cologne called nicotine which clung to my hair and clothes. Eventually Judd and I agreed that JP and I should only spend time with each other in the garage, secluded from him and Aidan so that they no longer had to share in this destructive relationship. For the next year I spent a lot of time in the garage with JP and we became closer each day because we didn't have to feel bad anymore, we were alone.
A few months ago I realized that I was starting to crave spending time with JP like a junkie craves the needle. The friendship had turned quickly into a nightmare. I started coughing up bloody phlegm, I began to get scared and I knew my time with JP had finally reached it's breaking point. I tried to get rid of him more than once since then and he always came back, taunting me in my mind, telling me I needed him, I couldn't go on without him. I felt trapped, like this was my destiny....he was going to kill me.
I turned to the aid of my Doctor, I told her I was having troubling ridding myself of this horrible friend and I needed help. I had seen other people have great success in saying goodbye to friends like JP with something called Champix, and I knew I had to try it....it was the only way I could get rid of him once and for all. She was more than happy to oblige, I started taking Champix that same day. Sure enough between day 8 and 10 of taking it I started to notice that JP's cologne really bothered me, it started to feel like I was suffocating every time I went around him. My physical being no longer wanted to be around him but, my mind would still occasionally tell me that I needed to visit with him. By day 10, I started to forget about him more and more, only going out to see him about 4-5 times a day which was a marked improvement from the sometimes 20-25 times a day in recent months.
On day 13 I made the decision to say good-bye. We ended our relationship last night with one last lip pursed kiss, I went to bed quite angry and slept very restlessly but, I woke up today still firm on my decision and confident that I will never go back to the friendship I once had with JP or anyone like him. His friendship to me was an illicit pleasure, one I felt increasingly guilty about and I am better off without him, eventually he made me physically ill.
Although I am thankful to my filtered pal for coming along for the ride called life, allowing me to reward myself with breaks throughout the day to spend time with him and for lifting me up during the good days while comforting me on the bad it was due time I said goodbye and start thinking more about myself. Our friendship took up too much of my time and eventually would've sucked me dry to the point where it would rob me of precious time I have yet to spend with those I love. Goodbye old friend, remover of cares, it was a good run but, we both knew it couldn't last forever.
- Sarah
