I Feel Like I'm Dying....and Aidan has a mohawk!

Not that I know particularly what "dying" feels like...unless I actually am dying? Seriously though I am very confused and frustrated on a daily basis....one day I get diagnosed with Fibro, the next I am going for an MRI and to see a Neurologist for MS and Multiple Seizure Disorder??? I have a headache so bad right now that I feel like I'm going to puke and I've already taken 3 Migraine relief Tylenol (cause I'm not supposed to take T3's anymore as per the Dr)....NO RELIEF!

I realize I am generally a positive person, with a positive outlook. I have my moments in regular life but, I honestly have to say that my positivity is wearing very thin and I feel very alone. Well, isn't this nice I am spilling my guts to a blog post (how therapeutic).

Frustrated? Yes, extremely because I am not the type of person to just lay around and this is literally what I am forced to do generally once or twice a week because I've pushed too hard the other days. When I say "pushed" to hard, which is the most ridiculous part, I mean something like going shopping for 3 hours or going to a Dr.'s appointment and then out for lunch. Apparently I have not really come to terms with this because....

a) there are still other diagnosis out there lingering to be ruled out
b) I seriously cannot wrap my mind around that I can't "make it go away"
c) Every morning I wake up expecting to be "o.k" and then feel sorry for myself when I am not d) I am really "grieving" who I used to be and what I used to be able to accomplish.

Scared? Yes, because there are too many "what ifs" right now....I have tremors now which totally freak me out and the headaches are beyond anything I've ever experienced before. In a way I hope it is "only Fibromyalgia" and that the right medication and lifestyle will get me out of this crash and burn cycle I'm in. In another way though I still find it hard to believe that all of a sudden my life as I knew it got taken away from me almost overnight and that Fibromyalgia is the culprit. I guess that is because in the back of my mind I also have the mindset like most of society that Fibromyalgia is not a "legitimate" disease, although I know better because I've read all the material. It is kind of the same as viewing depression as a weakness I guess, which I also have a tendency to do (even though I know that too is wrong and unfair). I don't know maybe it's the way I was brought up....my dad thinks I should just "get moving" and I'll be o.k.....maybe I believe I should do that too but, I don't know how.

I think it is mostly the season that is putting me in this less than happy state. I see everyone out there having fun and getting "things done" and I want so desperately to be like them again, and I hate being told that I "can't". I'm not dying, I do not have something progressive (that we know of ), and in due time I should be able to manage my life very well.....so I should be happy right? You'd think so but, I am still in the process of understanding and accepting. For some reason I am just not there yet. I feel like a failure, a let down, a bad mother, a bad wife and a "needy" friend. I am not good at not having control and right now I feel like I am sinking and then I feel stupid for feeling like that.

I have good days like all of you reading this....it's just today is not a "good day". I tend to only write a blog when I am happy or positive about something but, today I am showing you that my life is not all smiles and sunshine, I have my dark moments too!

O.k. wow...I actually feel a bit better letting that all out....I hope I didn't bring anyone down but, that was at least a little liberating for me. On to the Good News.....

Aidan has a Mohawk! He's been asking for one for a while now and about 3 weeks ago we decided to take the plunge (after all it's only hair). It turned out pretty darn good and he gets a lot of complements on it! He has also started a trend, 1 of his friends is already sporting a "fauxhawk" and 2 mom's asked us if Judd would be able to give their kids the same "do". Judd should open his own barber shop....if anyone is in need of a Mohawk he'll hook you up! At first it was a little dramatic but, now that it's grown out a bit it's not as scary looking. Next he wants to dye the front of it blue...we'll see.

Aidan also tested for his purple belt in Karate and got it! We were very proud of him, he got all of his answers right on the oral test (what does karate mean, what does Bushido Kai mean, what is his sensei's name, what is a dojo, the 5 rules of karate do, counting to ten in Japanese and a couple others). As for the physical part, we did not realize how grueling it was going to be (after all he is only 6!). It was literally 30 minutes of running, knee jumps, push ups, sparing, curl ups, and floor drops and it did not stop for a minute. One of the other mom's and I were watching and telling them to "not give up" but, we both knew full well neither of us would be able to keep up (assuming I was my "old" self health wise). We are looking forward to next Tuesday when he will be presented with his achievement.

First term reports came out and Aidan also did very well in that area. His teacher told us she could not ask for a better student so we had proud moments all around with him over this past month. I think Aidan has a little crush on his teacher cause he gets mighty shy around her (she is pretty cute after all!). He is always making cards for her at home which is cute. We are glad he likes his teacher, I think that makes learning a lot more fun!

Judd is doing great as usual...he is the picture perfect husband and has been amazingly supportive through all of this. He is a strong person, kind and as compassionate as he is capable of considering he's never really experienced any ailments of his own. He is still forever working on the house and is currently working on fixing all the shotty duct work that was done a little while ago. To my amazement (I thought he was being a little anal about it all) the ducts are blowing like crazy up here right now and it is a huge improvement from what the paid workers had done! I figured it didn't make much sense that is was like 75 degrees in the basement all the time and only 68 degrees and freezing upstairs unless we had the heat on constantly. I just kind of accepted that the "duct people" knew what they were doing so it must be right. This time Judd was right but, I cannot tell him this because I don't want him to think he has the "upper hand" in the relationship....kidding :)

Anyway, my hands are seizing up on me now and it is time to get back to my new best friend (the couch). We are getting ready for Christmas as best as we can and hopefully we will be able to see some of you over the holidays! I will be more "positive" next time I promise!

Judd, Sarah, Aidan, Kneesaa & Ick

The Verdict is in...

So, went to the Rheumatologist on Monday as planned and much to my surprise and anticipation I actually got some answers! One thing was Raynaud's Phenomenon which is pretty much an intolerance to cold as well as poor circulation. I wasn't expecting that but my fingers and toes turned blue while I was there so it was pretty clear for her to see what was going on there. Also, Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain. Not so much a surprise to me or my mother who went with to support.

What does all this mean? Well for starters I am off work for a few months to get the pain, fatigue and headaches under control. Then it is only suggested I return to work part time...so much for my U Weight Loss Job...figures. Secondly my diet, my routine, my ideas of exercise and my life all HAVE to change. Last, I will as I have already encounter people that have so many opinions on what this is (or isn't) and how I should deal with it or how I did it to myself. I say to that....please ask me questions, I am happy to share. Need information, sure I already have tons of it. Support me, Judd and Aidan as we begin our journey to understand, ACCEPT and learn how to deal with this...absolutely please! If you don't know or don't care to know I don't want to know your opinion...clear? Yes! OK let's move on....

We are laughing at times about it (we can have a dark sense of humor), we cry about it and have already pounded our fists at it but, the reality is that it is here and we are all dealing with it which is key! I am reading as much as I can, seeing as many specialists as possible and figuring it all out as fast as I can achieve. My appointment next week with the pain specialist will hopefully bring new light on the situation...although I am not a fan of pharmaceuticals, I will take them happily in the short term to get over this speed bump that has slowed me down for the past couple of months.

Enough about me yeesh....I will keep everyone up to date on my progress, I am looking at it as an adventure and what better excuse is there to lead a pure and simple life from this point forward! On with the show....

Aidan is PUMPED for Christmas, he has already made his list which had some interesting items that he not previously shared that he wanted such as a skateboard and sports events tickets. His big gift that he is hoping for is a Wii, unfortunately I don't think Santa will be loading that on his sleigh with an Aidan name tag this year and I have prepared Aidan for the outcome already. This year we are being creative with our gift giving and since I am home there will be a lot of more sentimental giving rather than merchandise. I think those are more cherished gifts anyway but, regularly it would be hard to find the time. I will let you know what they are after the season as I don't want to spoil the surprise! He is also big on the snow this year and was excited to finally see it fall last week. Let's say he is getting some pretty good use of his winter gear already and especially enjoys wrestling in the snow with Judd and Kneesaa!

Judd is on a mission of health again (last time was right before Mexico). He is on the treadmill every morning and does at least 5km of running each and every day! He is working up to 10km on the weekends and is frequently doing push-ups in the living room. I am secretly proud of him but, I make fun of him anyway because I am jealous of his dedication and drive. He has already lost the extra poundage he put on over the summer (beer would be the culprit) and looks fantastic as always!

Still no progress on the home reno's so nothing to say there, really other than the above we are just plugging along taking our happy moments where we can get them. Hope you are all happy and healthy and enjoying the winter weather!

A little bitter today,,,

Spring is here which makes us soooo happy to be out and about and playing outside everyday. The mood has certainly been lifted all around and we are anxiously waiting for the trees to start showing their true colors!

We have watched quite a few ecological movies over the past week (hence the title), this is a good thing as we are learning more and more about the importance of nature and how disconnected we are as humans. It is nice for me that Judd & Aidan are also becoming aware of the issue facing us today and they both show genuine interest so I don't feel so alone in my pursuit for information.

This week we took a gander at

Into the Wild - a Sean Penn film based on a true story about a young man who becomes intolerant of society and ventures out to live with and off of only nature. His journey brings him into the wild of Alaska where the movie depicts some very valuable lessons. It is long and really has to be your type of subject but if it is, it is definitely worth a bowl of organic popcorn!

11th Hour - Although this movie was less exciting, Leonardo DiCaprio really did a wonderful job of putting a different spin on our environmental crisis. With some great scientific facts about how humans have an unfounded superiority complex over nature and some brave statements from environmentalist and ecologists alike it does its job well and has some great information

Shark Water - the most disheartening film Ive seen in a while but an important one at that. Depicts the story of how sharks are being killed at a rate of 15,000 an hour and are literally being wiped out due to humans mythical fear of them. It is a great documentary to learn about the prehistoric existence of sharks and how life on earth cannot be sustained without them. It has some shocking footage and I have to say that even with my desensitised mind to most horrific scenes this one hit me right where it hurts most...my heart. This made me so disgusted with our race and how we have become dictators of what species live and what species die all for meaningless profit. It is worth your money and worth your existence to watch and learn more about these crucial creatures.

With that being said, here is some happy news for us on the home front. Our bathroom is complete (aside from some caulking that will be done this weekend). Amazing how a journey to a completed bathroom has taught me how insignificant what my bathroom looks like, the paint color and aesthetics really are in the grand scheme of things. We are constantly learning over here, how to become more humble and less fixated on small things that really don't matter. We are grateful for our beautiful new bathroom and will enjoy it indeed! We used water based varnishes and no VOC paint for the bathroom as well and long behold they work! I actually found that I enjoyed the process more without the horrible smells and found the paint to work much better than the alternative.

Aidan is doing well, enjoying his increased time at home and the wonderful weather we are having. He is a good boy, we are very lucky to be his parents. Our family will grow soon in more ways than one (no Im not pregnant, I meant by others) and we are very excited about that!

Here are some pics of our new bathroom, take a gander and if you're going to be renting movies this weekend be sure to pick up one or all of the above mentioned! Happy Spring everyone!

PS - I wish I was a Sea Shepard!