Speaking of Bullies...Underdogs, How Dare You?

Recently I was nominated for the Canadian Weblog Awards 2010 People's Choice category.  I believe it was this post that got me the nomination.  I kind of stepped out of my mundane journaling box with that post and the rest is history.

Once the voting started I believe I honestly didn't have a hope in hell to win, or even be in the top 3.  I am a blogging underdog,  who got stuck in a poll with a ruthless top dog.   Lucky for me I have a wonderful network full of people with OCD who actually care about me and wanted to see me kick some ass succeed...they worked diligently posting reference to my blog, emailing their entire contact lists, texting and talking, facebooking and sharing.  It fired my neurons with excitement, I actually had a chance.  This little unknown blogger gained some momentum and started to take the first place spot.  Then this ass came along.  She calls herself a minx but I think weasel (small, active predator, long and slender with short legs) would've been a better fit.

Then the hits came. More hits on my blog, more hits on the voting but,  the hits soon turned to punches.  Low blows like the one in my first paragraph which felt so good is totally beneath me, I realize that but, I have to add some sort of humor in all this, otherwise it's just not honestly me writing.

According to some my blog was a snore, I was cuckoo (okay that one was bang on), I was a terrible lazy blogger who had no right to go toe-to-toe, and then I was a cheater.  Interesting that I am a small-time blogger with a poor design and I don't rank on Alexa (whatever that is) but, I somehow can manage to cheat on a fucking web poll and masterminded the whole thing while I was working a full time job, preparing for 3 family Christmases, baking and decorating gingerbread cookies for bake sales, attending school concerts and travelling to 3 separate out of town gatherings?  I'm more talented than Harry Potter I ever thought....apparently.


The final straw was when I saw that comments were infiltrating the Weblog Awards themselves and the attackers mother was on there calling everyone hater trolls and the administrator of the awards was observantly irritated with what was going on.  It is the Canadian Weblogs Awards position to maintain a free and public award system which will not be tainted by the creators personal opinion or infiltrated to police nominees behavior surrounding the awards. At first I felt like this was a no contest plea by the administrator and just another bullying bystander who was not willing to intervene but, after processing a bit I understand the position completely and agree with it.  There will be no People's Choice category in 2011 to eliminate any small people from ruining incidence like this from ever happening again.

I hate that I've even been named or involved in this whole shenanigan and my only comfort is that I kept my dignity and moral footing.  A friend wrote to me "Rest assured that you were second technically, but ethically you came in first!"  That was much more important than winning any sort of popularity contest or winning something at any and all costs, even if it meant tearing apart the other contenders in the process.

I'm glad that I have arrived at the final stage of the Kübler-Ross model which generally refers to the process you go through in the face of tragedy but, I find it usually applies to most difficult situations that provoke thought or emotions.

Stage 1 - Denial:  "Oh no, she didn't" / "She can't be referring to me" / "If I just ignore it, it will go away"

Stage 2 - Anger:  "Why me?" / "What did I do to deserve such hateful attention?" / "I'm going to fire back, I don't care if it's not "big" of me." / "I wish I lived in Toronto, I find her and kick her in her opinion with my ninja boots."

Stage 3 - Bargaining:  "I will send her a nice message, ya that'll work, kill em' with kindness" / "If I win, it'll all be worth it so, it's all good."

Stage 4 - Depression:  "Ugh, I don't care anymore" / "I wish I was never nominated, never blogged, never did anything that people could criticize me for." / "It's all pointless and stupid, I just want to cry and sleep and cry some more."

Stage 5 - Acceptance:  "It's not the end of the world" / "I still have things to say" / "Who cares if 1 person thinks the worst of me, I am not the jackass whisperer."

I decided to withdraw from the voting because the whole thing got ugly and jaded and it just became about winning.  The original  meaning behind the award got thrown out the window and it wasn't fun anymore.  I'm happy that the attacker will win it, she deserves it and has worked hard to obtain it.  Blogging is something I do, it doesn't define me.  It is not my entire life, only the most significant a small part of it.  I certainly do not want to covet an award or need one for validation...feel free to nominate me for every category next year.

I believe the entire experience was a total pain in the ass lesson for me, I still have more to learn.  So I blog on, good or not, award worthy or not.

I would like to thank everyone who broke into houses to use alternate IP addresses read, voted and supported....sorry to have wasted your time and energy but, I felt like withdrawing was the only way to end this with my mind dignity intact.

Now for some lyrical genius by The Time totally related unrelated:

Body of a superstar
The mind of a 10-year-old
She wants 2 take U 4 a ride
The Stella has hair of gold
The lights are on upstairs
But is anybody home?
She's not lookin' 4 a man
The girly wants 2 be alone

She's the queen of glamorous, everything is right
All the fellas have a fit anytime she walks by
This woman would be dangerous if she had a mind
When Blondie tells U what U want 2 hear, don't waste your time

CHORUS:
And her name is Blondie, sexy socialite (Dumb blonde)
Diggin' out on the town any given night
And her name is Blondie, the queen of glamorous
And the game is money, the girl is dangerous

Her fatal beauty's blinding and her intentions not kind
She tried 2 take a part of me but I caught on in time
She lives a life of make believe, takes what she wants and leaves
Blondes, they do have more fun, but how dumb is she?

CHORUS

Blondie, my glamorous superstar
U took it much 2 far
And now U look like "What happened?"
Blondie, a dangerous socialite
She hangs out every night
And the neighborhood game is 2 dog U blind

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (Moving on)

From the Bully's Mouth

In light of all the media and social attention that has recently surrounded bullying (that we've already seem to have forgotten),  I've been doing a lot of thinking...I know, totally unusual for me.  When I was young I was a bully, a bad one....I doubt there was even a glimmer of a somewhat decent human being in me during my tween and teenage years.  I will get into it a little more in posts to come. 

I have pondered blogging about my experiences as a bully, from my perspective.  I've frantically searched the web for articles, blogs, anything that is expressed from a bully's (past or present) point of view.  Sadly, I found very few and nothing really substantial enough to mention.  Really, it brought me back time and time again to the same question.   How can we even begin to attack this issue without acknowledging why bullies bully?

I wholeheartedly agree that the bullied are victims.  They desperately need the helping hands and comforting voices of their communities, their peers and their authority figures to lift them up when they have been beaten down by words or physical aggression.  They need others to step in, for everyone to make it their business, to be their voice when it isn't heard, to help them overcome and preserve some sense of self-esteem.  I also believe the bullies are also victims, also in need of help but, not help just anyone can give them.

It saddens me that most of what I have seen in the media is empathy toward the bullied (good) but, the dehumanization of the bully (bad).  Bullies are people too, damaged people, sick people, abused people....I am surprised that many have just chosen to belittle, verbally abuse and degrade the bullies rather than consider that those very people were/are the ones that needed the help in the first place.  Like bullies are magically born that way, they just come out of the womb fists flying, armed with verbal ammunition waiting to be unleashed at the first vulnerable person to come along.  I doubt it.  Why people think they can solve a problem without focusing on the root source is beyond me and still has me perplexed. 

Psychology shows that it was once believed that bullies had low self esteem and knock others down to make themselves feel better.  It is now believed that most bullies simply act in this way because they have been bullied in some form at school or at home themselves.  In fact, bullies usually have good self-esteem but, use their aggressive ways as a form of anger management, it actually makes them feel better, gives them a sense of release.  Really all bullying needs to be addressed at the source, with the parents.   The cycle that is sometimes passed on by countless generations needs to be broken.

I've read blogs and articles that say that bullies just need compassion, they just need a hug.  That is such poppycock, I had people show me compassion when I was younger but, the reality is that I still had to go home at the end of the day. If you were to give me a hug, I was bound to give you a swift kidney shot and run away laughing.   I didn't have an extreme abusive upbringing but, there was a lot of emotional torment and I took on the role of mediator during a nasty prolonged divorce which in turn affected my development much more than I'm sure my parents realized. 

My saving grace was that my mother eventually had me "committed" to a psychiatric facility.  People make fun of me for it now, even I think the experience was rather comical...plus, it makes the awkwardness of me actually being in the nut house a lot more comfortable when you are able to laugh at it.  There my feelings were addressed, my parents were spoken to about how their actions affected my behaviour.  I believe they were told "you are killing your daughter."  I can't say that this totally transformed my family life, fact being that my parents still to this day cannot get along with each other but, things changed for me.  I was able to cope with my life a little better.  I stopped externalizing my feelings onto undeserving people.  I respected myself a little more, even better I respected other people and by the time I was 18 about one year later I was on a straight and narrow path where I was open to learn the lessons life had to teach me and to start evolving as a compassionate human being.  I wish it would have happened a lot sooner than that.  I would've saved myself and others a lot of trouble.

I still have "bully" tendencies.   Everytime I think I am about to be hurt a protective wall appears and garbage is literally spewed from my mouth in the attempt to intimidate the other person into believing I am right...about everything.  I work on those tendencies though, because I was given the tools to do so by counsellors, psychiatrists and psychologists. 

We are not all that blind, everyone can point out the bullies in children's lives early on.  I see the bullies in my son's group of friends even now.   I know who to keep my eye on...I think we all do to some extent.  My son has even participated in some forms of low-key bullying himself to fit in with those kids.  The first people I look at when Aidan does something that I feel is out of character is myself and my husband.  What did we do to make him feel like he needed to be mean to someone to fit in?  If I can't figure it out myself and change that thing within our home you'd better know that I would find a professional who could offer some insight before it got out of control.   

So, my plea is to the parents and caregivers.  Show the children empathy, teach them how to have some foresight as to how their actions can actually damage another person.  If you know the child is naturally aggressive or compulsive start teaching them early how to curb their aggression and how to handle conflict.  Show them how to be helpful and have a sense of community rather than helpless. 

Keep children social so they develop the skills and filter to know what is appropriate and what is not.  Enforce clear consequences and healthy consistent discipline so children learn to have respect for authority and understand proper conduct. 

Take an interest in children, monitor their activities and give them a sense of self.   Talk to them and listen to them, you'd be amazed at what you learn about their outside life from a dinner table conversation and a few questioned asked. 

Stop telling kids they are the best at everything.  Reality is they are not the best dancer, swimmer, skater, reader, wrestler, hula hoop er out there.  If they are the "best", everyone else is inferior to them.  Don't reward them for being the top dog, congratulate their efforts. 

Most of all teach them that compassion is not a weakness, love them unconditionally and make sure you show it so they feel it...don't just say it. 

Getting off my parental soapbox now.  No, really I am not a perfect parent, nor is my child perfect but, I am always trying to improve.  In my short-term experiences thus far and from observation and research I think these are key things to preventing bully-minded children.  I could be way off base. 

I really honestly believe the parents (or caregivers) are the only one's who can cease the bullying.  They need to care enough to look in the mirror and figure out what they are doing wrong.  If there is a child that you know is a bully, in whatever form grow a pair and talk to the parent/caregiver you could make them see something they didn't realize was there.  If you can't muster up the courage, talk to their school, daycare or in extreme situations child protection agencies.  Believe it or not some parents actually want to know how their children are behaving the 10 hours a day they are away from them....as for the others, all you can do is try.   

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (Reformed bully wanting to save others the trouble)

Tubby Tuesdays Three

 Why did I start this?  Would someone please talk some damn sense into me when I get on the crazy train and make commitments like this.  Now, every Tuesday I have to sit down and get introspective on my feelings towards being overweight.  I was going to skip today's post and see if anyone noticed but, I've also started a bucket list and on it is to always "follow through", so now I'm doubly screwed.

Recent developments in the medical mystery that is my life has prevented me from even thinking about going to that dark place where I exercise and actually do something beneficial for my body.  My doctor feels an arrhythmia is my pulse so I'm getting a fancy Holter Monitor to wear around for a day (not my idea of great fashion statement).  I still think this is all related to Graves' Disease so not too annoyed worried but, I am totally exhausted daily so I don't think I can even scrape up the energy to do much else than what I need to or sit on my butt and blog.  As stated before I'm hoping early 2011 will bring some solid answers so I can put together a plan without any guesswork involved.  I have to say that this second bout of short-term setbacks in the health department have really made me want to grasp some sort of vitality, slowly my mindset is changing yet again towards wanting a life full of wellness.  Hindsight....always hindsight, let's pray I learn my lesson this time.

Still making small changes, in preparation for a healthier me...once I escape from this dark place in the corner of my mind and can actually set something in motion.  Still with the water, the night eating remains at a much lower consistency (but, it's still there), PGX Daily is still steady and this week I've begun to automate my breakfasts.

This is a very important step for us food addicts to take.  Breakfast is single-handedly the most important meal of the day.  If you haven't heard this before you have been living under a rock, you could also be deaf which is not funny.  The best way to ensure you get the most benefit out of breakfast and to break the temptation of  ripping your bosses delicious toasted white bread english muffin with melt-y salted butter on top right out of her hands and stuffing it in your mouth is to automate it.  No thinking, no swaying and you do it in such a manner to where you know you are putting some quality fuel into that soon to be hot bod of yours, if only but, once a day.  I find that as soon as I start to think about food or planning a meal, all my senses become alive and my mind starts reeling on whether I'm making the right choices, I can get obsessive about the "healthy" food I'm about to ingest which is the very behaviour I want to change.  First, I must establish a routine, break certain taste habits and the only way to do this is by repetition and the elimination of thought.

Everyday I eat this:

1 serving (with 1% milk or Rice milk) of Eco-Planet hot cereal

1 serving fruit (banana, orange, berries or an apple)

1 boiled Free Range Omega 3 Egg   -or-  1 serving low fat yogurt

It's easy, it's healthy and although I was fairly pouty about it the first few days, I now actually look forward to eating it every morning....especially the cereal, it's so darn delicious and easy!  The best part is that I don't have to think about what I'm going to eat because that's usually when I make the worst decisions.

Oh wow, my husband is running on the treadmill behind me and the noise is making me feel a little homicidal....must hurt Hasslehoff wannabe.....whatever I'll catch up, don't you worry. 

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (Shakin' my money maker...waiting for it to stop jiggling)

Tubby Tuesdays Two

One day, I'll be as skinny as this giraffe

So I promised to be accountable, and I'm delivering.  I have to say that I totally sucked this past week in the weight department but, I did make a few small changes that are worth celebrating (please send congratulatory money via Paypal, all major credit cards accepted).  Small steps are really all I can manage right now without accumulating assault charges against unsuspecting people but, am crossing my fingers that I will get some firmer answers and solutions in the upcoming weeks in regards to the medical issues I've been having and then I can do more.

This week I was able to religiously take my PGX Daily , they lower the glycemic index of your food, make you fuller faster so you don't over stuff your face as I am prone to doing (especially when there is sugary goodness involved) and keep you satisfied longer.  I've witnessed client after client use this strategy and if taken properly it can be a really great tool to help you lose weight safely and efficiently.  So I can't say that I've really lost any weight as of yet because of it but, I do notice immediate results when it comes to the plumbing.  This is one of the most important steps when it comes to weight loss, or trying to obtain optimum health and if you ain't doing some good work on the shitter, good luck with everything else.  Just ask Dr.Oz, he'll tell you and you can hear him say the word "poop" which is always good for a laugh.

Another thing I've tried (not really hard) to do is stop my night eating.  No food after supper (yeah right).  Okay, but, I have replaced the nachos and Slurpee's with better options such as popcorn (and NOT the movie theater style either) and water.  This is something I still need to master and is probably my biggest downfall.  There were a couple nights where I did manage to stay away from food all together and surprisingly I had this strange feeling called hunger when I woke up in the morning, I did practically knocked over AJ in a mad dash to the pantry in the morning looking for something, anything to stop those unsettling growling noises coming from my abdominal region.  I'm assuming this means that I allowed my body to actually digest a meal before shovelling more food into it and I'm sure my metabolism was frantically searching all night for food reserves and when it didn't find any started throwing a temper tantrum inside my stomach (hence the grumbling and pangs).

Water is the third and final thing I attempted this week.  Drinking enough of it that is.  Another one of my fat pitfalls and such a chore for me to change.  Because I also drink coffee, in turn I have to drink MORE water than usual as coffee dehydrates you after more than 1 cup (I have about 632).  I think I'm averaging about 4-5 cups of water daily now.....long way to go but, I'll get there.  I should probably just stop drinking coffee, I wonder what life is like when it's not moving at the speed of light?  I wouldn't bet the farm on it if I were you, I do not see caffeine withdrawal in my near future.

So I think I've attempted to do the 3 most important first steps to weight loss...Poop (ha-ha),  no feeding  Gremlins myself after dinner or choose healthier snack options and hydrate.  I will perfect these and hopefully add some motion to my plan with medieval torture methods otherwise known as exercise....excuse me while I go wash my mouth out with soap for saying such a dirty word. 

I leave you with this thought from Queen:  "Fat bottom girls, you make the rockin' world go round."

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper

Tubby Tuesdays

Foreword:  So I started writing the following post this morning and I'm going to publish it anyway even though so many things (basically me being an uncontrollable psycho) have transpired since beginning it.  I will post more about what happened today, tomorrow.  On with the show....

I've been thinking a lot lately about my health and.....my muffin top.  Although I doubt there was much I could've done to prevent Graves' Disease and Fibromyalgia (still think that one is a joke) I am almost certain there are things I can do to improve my symptoms.  In fact I know there are but, I much prefer being a big fat blob on the couch, eating my nachos and drinking my Slurpee while allowing one single tear to continuously flow from my left eye just so everyone knows how very sorry I feel for myself.


It's Genetic, I swear!



It's not that I want to look like a direct relative of the dough boy, in fact it's quite the opposite.  I actually have dreams about having the body that I did before my precious body snatcher son came along.  I miss you long lean legs, I miss you scarless flat tummy, I miss you tight uplifted rump...I mourn you daily.  Now I have more folds than origami and realize I either need to get moving, get motivated or just accept the weight that I have put on and dress it up as a permanent part of me. 

I have every excuse in the book not to do it.  Whaa, I don't feel good today.   Whaa, I have scars and stretch marks and cellulite, I'll never be the way I used to be so what's the point in trying.  Whaa, whaa, whaaaaa!  The reality of the situation is that I better get my fat ass in gear before I start treatment for the Graves' because at some point I am going to become Hypothyroid and it's going to be that much harder for me.  I am also prone to type 2 Diabetes genetically and hey, well why not throw that onto the heaping mound of crap that I already deal with.....I think not.

The sad and arguably most pathetic part about this weighty situation I've put myself in is that I am probably the most knowledgeable person on the planet earth (understatement) in health and weight loss.  Yes, that's right....I have worked at a weight loss clinic, an organic food store, I have taken courses in natural this and that, started a certificate program in it and have done countless hours of reading and researching on my own.  Now to top it all off, I work for someone who specializes in health via diet/exercise and supplementation....I have every resource at my finger tips but, very rarely apply it in my own life.

So I think now is the time to start.  NOT a diet, or an exercise program.  No, not this time.  It is time to start being accountable to myself and to others.  Every Tuesday I will blog about it...so that I am somewhat accountable.  I promise not to lie or leave out any details....like when I hide in the closet with the Nutella and eat the whole jar with a spoon and then take the top layer of trash out of the garbage can, put the empty Nutella jar in it and recover it so my husband won't see it and then yell at him for eating all the Nutella and not telling me so I can replenish the stock when I grocery shop. Just as an example, not that I've ever done that.  So right now, I am committing to do my best, be honest when I fail and take baby steps to make myself better (and less lumpy).  Starting tomorrow.  Right now I'm going to get into some fat clothes, watch the Biggest Loser, gluttonously eat nachos and relax.  WHAT?  I had a bad day.

Just to show you I am totally serious, I'm going to take a huge step and do something I'm possibly totally going to regret.  I am going to post my BEFORE picture.  Please don't laugh, or judge....it would crush me. It is very revealing and a picture I allowed my husband to take of me in a bikini on a private beach just in case I wanted to use it as a before picture.  I didn't think I'd have the guts to do it until now.

-The St.Godard Brood Keeper (aka Tubby Mommy)

I'll Have a Salad With a Side of Enlightenment

Further to yesterday's dramatic blog (blogmatic) here is the author's follow up to the post that started it all:

http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/cure-for-perfection.html

Check out the comments for the perfection cure and make sure to have plenty of kleenex on hand cause there are some real doozies in there, there may be one in there of mine too if you can find it (cue winky face icon).

On a side note, I got a few comments and a couple phone calls to see if I was okay. The answer is YES, absolutely! My "real" comments were meant to simply express to my readers and anyone else that stumbled upon my writings (can you say awkward) that although my blog postings are usually about rainbows and lollipops that I too go to bed sometimes with my mind reeling, my eyes watering and my heart heavy. Sometimes I even think it would just be better if I didn't wake up at all...but, then the alarm bell rings, I do a little stretch, drink a little joe, put on my big girl pants and head out the door ready for action. Possibly my imperfections were a little scary for some of you but, I have been living with them for quite some time....they are what I know but, not always what I show which was the whole point (cue smiley face icon).

To make some of you feel a little better, and possibly to make myself feel a little better here are some SUPER Sarah points, things I celebrate about myself!

• Children LOVE me and I honestly love them equally if not more!
• I let my dog sleep on my bed, which is awfully nice of me....although I do forget to buy her dog food on occasion which is not as nice.
• I am a good friend and a good daughter, you can pretty much ask me to do anything and I will rarely find a justified reason to say no. Except walking on water, I would like to but, I just don't think I can.
  
• I am a good listener most of the time unless I have earplugs in.
• I'm pretty darn cool, resourceful and as long as you don't want to talk about politics a pretty good conversationalist
• If you want to know something, ask me....if I don't know the answer I will spend hours researching it for you
  
• I am silly and that's just fun.

Sometimes I stumble across something that changes the way I think about things. Anyone who is close to me knows that I absorb everything I learn, sometimes I take it to extremes but, it is my own individual growing process. If I had a penny for every time I heard someone say (or that it was said about me) "What's the bandwagon she's on now", "I've heard that before", "How long is this going to last" and so on and so forth, I would probably have about $1.48. The upside is that I would be $1.48 richer and I would've tried something new or at least made the attempt to redefine myself and how I perceive the world. Generally, I am not a "baby steps" type of person which may be one of my other imperfections but, life is much more interesting this way....at least for me.

On a funny note, Aidan just schooled me on my "silly name" which is Snotty Bananapants. I think it's rather fitting. Go ahead check yours, you know you want to:

http://apps.scholastic.com/captainunderpants/NameGame/play.htm


And what better way to sum up this post than a couple quotes. One from a woman who was seemingly perfect until the final years of her life revealed her truths and another from a man who was a practitioner of Ahisma and vowed only to speak the truth. Both personal hero's of mine.

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it is better to absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."
- Marylin Munroe

"My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents and I lay them both at his feet."
- Mahatma Gandhi

With that I bid you adieu....

SEM

The Disease called "Perfection"

Just when I was contemplating deleting my Facebook account I read a shared blog post and it all came back to me why I became a part of the biggest networking site on the face(book) of the planet....to NETWORK! The information some of my friends share on their walls is invaluable to me. From recipes I would've never tried to articles that shake me to my core like the one I'm about to share with you.

Maybe it will not have as profound of an effect on you as it did me. My struggle with the attainment of perfection started very early in my life and has become a burden in recent years almost to heavy to bear. So first, I ask that you read the blog post here:

http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/disease-called-perfection.html

Then read my dose of real. Then do the same for yourself, be bold, be courageous and well...a little less perfect.

Sarah's dose of real:

I am not satisfied or even remotely happy with myself due to a deep seated depression but, I put on a front for most people because I am scared of what they will think of me.

I sometimes hate the way I look so much that I cry or throw private temper tantrums when I have social obligations to go to.

I project my need to be perfect onto my son and it breaks my heart to hear him tell me he's not good enough. I feel like a monster.

I am not happy in my marriage a lot of the time but, I keep hanging on because I don't want to be a failure and I feel like divorce will irrevocably damage Aidan like it damaged me.

I am addicted to sugar and struggle with it on a daily basis and then I get angry about the weight I continue to gain as the years pass.

I am very sensitive and take offense to what a lot of people say to me but, I keep my feelings about it inside because I don't want to appear weak or emotional.

So there you have it folks. I am not perfect, no where near but, this blog was a big wake up call to me to stop pretending or portraying that I am. Although I will continue to blog about the "laughing and growing" parts of our life, please know that there are a lot of less than perfect moments in the St.Godard household and will continue to be. Maybe now I will learn to accept and be proud of those moments too!

Until next time friends, family. Feel free to share your doses of real!

Sarah