My Big Fat Weigh In and Other Sad Stories

Well technically yesterday was "weigh-in" day otherwise known as weekly torture but, I did not dare step on that scale when I got home yesterday evening from a weekend in St.Malo. I crashed hard core but, luckily I compensated with quite a bit of exercise so actually getting on that scale today wasn't as traumatic as I anticipated it to be. No loss, no gain...I'm okay with that really.


I "escaped" to St.Malo this weekend sort of on a whim. My mother informed me that the Festival des Amis was going on all weekend and we should come on out...well let's just say after the 2 weeks I've had she did not have to twist my rubber arm one bit. In fact I cancelled all pending engagements and although this is the second time I've cancelled on a dear friend (Sorry Alida), I just knew I had to breathe this weekend....I was surely going to suffocate had I been left in my current state.

Aidan and I hit the open road straight after school let out on Friday and it couldn't have come soon enough. After a restless night of sleep on the couch and an emotional hangover all I needed was to get there...every minute passing drawing me nearer to my refuge, my sanctuary....my lifeline.

I hope that each one of you that's reading this right now has that place to go to, a place to just be and feel good, sleep, eat and be merry. In fact for some of you this may be your very own home and to you I say....consider yourself lucky because my home or the emotional hell that lurks there has torn me apart limb from limb ever since I can remember. Seem dramatic? Maybe. I've really tried to find the root source of my anxiety lately...accepted it, yes but, I still think it's important for me to open my eyes to my triggers and eliminate them as best I can because I really honestly deep down inside feel like at the ripe age of 29 I should not be in this condition. I am fearful of the path my mind and body are leading me down....where will it end...how bad will it get? I'm not willing to find out. I'm also too strong and have been through too much to give up now and let the fear all consume me.

My struggles have been small in comparison to war, hunger or addiction but, they have been struggles none the less. Each day brings new clarity for me, I'm learning to let go but, not before I wade my way through the pain I've carried with me for so long, like a toxic friend I never wanted to let go. Funny that pain can serve as a security blanket at times, preventing me from having to really live, to take risks...to move on.

I have found passion in photography. It is a fantastic outlet for me, gets me up and out whereas before I would've found every excuse in the book to do otherwise. Photography has removed the blinders I once had, it gave me back my true vision...to stop and look at the world that surrounds me, in the unexpected just as much as the expected. I feel a connection with nature’s majesty, its pureness and its astounding beauty. It has lit a fire in my belly that burns furiously pushing me to find new perspectives and interests around every corner. I tend to be obsessive about most new ideas or activities in my life (big surprise) but, this one feels different to me. It's a sense of belonging....that I am on the right path all of a sudden. I don't know how far it will go or what will become of it. What I know right now is that my camera has literally become an extension of me; the sound of the shutter drives me like nothing has ever driven me. I am in love.

Some of my closest friends and family members have had some real tragedies and hurdles thrown at them these past few weeks. A friend’s sister has her second Cancer operation which leads to more questions. A sister-in-law learns her father has just spent 3 days in the woods unable to move and has been rescued with a dim projection on his fate. A best friend experiences the up's and down's of a possible relapse of a disease that is ruthless and destructive and the idea that the monster rears its ugly head once again. An old employee gets a death sentence, an impossible decision and reaches out for some solace, some comfort. A Step Father receives news of a child's untimely and tragic death but is just out of reach to offer personal console. There were many sleepless nights, many tears, panic and sadness that is so profound it could easily consume you with its blanket of darkness.

Day after day, night after night I took those tragedies and cautiously placed them on my shoulders, carried them with me throughout the weeks ahead and late last week they all came tumbling off like an avalanche of emotion ready to suffocate anything that stood in its path. Normally I dig deep and find the empathetic part of me, the part that wants to listen, that wants to care but, this time I had my own emotional turmoil festering in the background which became amplified by the problems of the world around me. I had nowhere safe to turn, I felt stupid for adding anymore strife to these others already complicated lives and really who was I to complain? What right did I have to be sad or confused or angry? What they were going through was so much more significant, life changing even. For once in my life though, I was unable to bury my own emotions and broke, maybe but for a minute but, I broke. One of the scariest feelings I've ever had is to feel like I've lost my control and it was happening day after day and it scares the shit out of me to know I can reach such dark places so quickly that it hits me like a bolt of lightning and then I'm in it before even knowing it was there lurking around the corner...waiting patiently to strike. I have broken before, but when the fog clears I never remember how terrifying it actually is and I somehow manage to fool myself into believing it will never happen again. I am glad I have to tools to always force myself to reach out, grasping at any hand that can somehow pull me back into the light. There are very few choice people who will hear the emptiness in my voice when that happens and I thank God for them every time...I can't imagine it being enjoyable to hear that on the other end of the phone and I can imagine they have their cell phones out with a finger on the 9 just in case. If I don't say it enough or if I've never said it before....Thank You! You know who you are.

So switching gears here in a big way...the weigh in results for my skinny bitches this week. I look forward to this on Mondays (who'd of thought it would be fun to weigh in). Pam has taken back her lead as Kim and I stood still this week....life happens you know. Happy to announce that Pam had to go out and purchase a smaller waist size jean and she is feeling great! I think I'm going to try the exercise thing this week now that I'm in a better frame of mind. I know it will only get better once I get those pheromones pumping through me!

Here's the stats....enjoy!


Skinny Bitch     Start Weight       Loss lbs      % weight loss   Total lbs     Total %


SARAH                   167                     0                     0%                  5             2.91%

KIM                        199                     0                      0%                 8             3.86%

PAM                       189                      3                    1.59%             8              4.12%
- The St.Godard Brood Keeper

Quickie



Pretty acurate portrayal of what I look like
weighing myself...oh except I don't have red hair.



Just a quick post for my Skinny Bitches....I'm all turned around lately, really busy with life in general and all the ridiculous things I take on.  Judd has started work at 7am now, so I'm up as soon as he leaves to get Aidan off to school and get myself ready for work.  Although I think Judd and I are both happier this way, it's taken some adjusting for me the last 2 days as I generally behave like I'm nocturnal.  Usually my head does not hit the pillow until after 1:00 am on a good day. 

Try to post a better update in the next few days but, for now the highly anticipated weigh in results:








Skinny Bitch    Start Weight       Loss lbs         % weight loss    Total lbs      Total %

SARAH               169                   2                     1.18%             5             2.91%

KIM                    202                   3                      1.49%            8             3.86%

PAM                   189                   0                         0%               5             2.58%

So Kim wins the week weigh in and pulls into the lead for the whole thing.  Don't get too cocky there Kim, Pam and I were just letting you have one to be good sports about it all.  A huge congrats to Kim as she has also quit smoking this past week and still managed to lose weight with all that stress! 

Pam's weight actually fluctuated quite a bit this week, weighing kind of sucks, it's not very accurate short term.  We're in it for the long haul though so shouldn't matter in the grand scheme Pam....you'll kick my ass do great!

Again if anyone wants to join us Skinny Bitches in the fight against fat, lemme know.  We're just getting started up in here!

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (aka Blubber)

Skinny Bitches

Haven't posted something positive in some time....totally obsessed with project 365 and being all OCD with it has taken up oodles of my time.  I'm behind 2 episodes of the Biggest Loser and never miss that show (another obsession) so that gives you an accurate gauge of how important 365 has become to me. 

Speaking of Biggest Loser...bet you thought I'd already fallen off the wagon with my whole healthy lifestyle attempts.....quelle surprise you were wrong.  Maybe you did have a little faith in me this time, if so I will happily accept monetary contributions towards my cause, you know...so I can buy carrots.

I'm officially down 7 pounds so far (shhh don't tell my trainer I weighed myself).  I only did it because right now I am not allowed to exercise according to the all mighty Dr. so I wanted to make sure I was on the right track with my food.  I even started counting calories so I could record it against my Basal Metabolic Rate but, that only lasted a few days because it takes waaaay too much effort on my part.  I got the all clear this week to exercise and can really kick project Buns o' Steel into high gear. 

Recently I learned that my work is closing down the first week of August and since Aidan is spending the WHOLE summer in St.Malo (can I get a hell-ya) I'm going to head out there for the week to spend some time with him.   I am determined to actually feel comfortable half nude in front of a beach full of people this year....if that's even possible.  It's been far too long since I've actually felt good about the way I look in a bathing suit....there was a time though, that is only a distant memory to me now.  It's probably a good thing I don't have a picture of that time.  It would most likely lead to me crying fully clothed on the floor of the shower with it in my clutches. 

So remember when I said that I had calculated to have 2 extras a week would be okay.  Well, I've managed to do less than that.  I usually have 1 extra (aside from one weekend at mom's) and I'm thinking of cutting that out too and just reserving extras for special occasions or time's when I'm out and really want something.   They make me feel like a total bag of shit the next day so I think they are worth not planning anymore.

I have NEVER started a healthy lifestyle and not been grumpy, tired or generally experiencing the feeling that I am depriving myself of something....but, this plan is golden.  Judd's sister is a master (possibly playing Jedi mind tricks on me), I have not had one time where I felt hungry or deprived or even grumpy.  Best of all it's working without exercise!!!  I noticed a fairly heavy weight loss in the first 3 weeks and last week was only a 1 pound drop which tells me it's time to get movin'.

2 girlfriends and I have decided to team up Biggest Loser style and report to our weight every week which will be calculated as percentage of body weight lost.  Whoever loses the least percentage after 5 months has to buy the other 2 dinner....and you'd better believe it won't be a healthy dinner either.  Pulling out all the stops for that one (unless I'm buying...yikes). 

There aren't many things about being a woman that are wonderful unless you count vaginal births, c-sections, PMS, bunions and hammer toes from high heels and natural fat deposits on your hips and ass wonderful.  Aside from all that, the thing I like about women (well most women, maybe only some women) is the fierce support you can get from them.  There is no support like that which you get from your girlfriends, mothers, sisters and so on and so forth.  I like that we've made a pact to be accountable to one another and that we are there to help each other along the way.  We've all had babies....all have the same abdominal surgery scar (although theirs were to bring life into the world and mine are for vanity) and we all carry the battle scars of pregnancy.  Although we realize every stretch mark was worth it in the end, I think it gives us all the more reason to want to look good physically as we have a slight disadvantage already in that department.  Unless there is a club that considers stretch marks a favorable characteristic and if so, where do I sign up?

So every Monday, unless I am too lazy or grumpy to post (okay I'll do it anyway) I will post our stats for the week.  We all realize that the scale is not the all mighty when it comes to weight loss and it's really about how you feel but, it's a fucking competition people!  We need a measuring system!

Here's the first stats (last 2 weeks combined).  Maybe I'll sneak over to their houses late at night and take pictures of them so you can have a visual of who I'm talking about.   I could also ask them for a photo but, that might make things too complicated.

Skinny Bitch      Start Weight       Loss lbs     % weight loss    Total lbs   Total % 

SARAH                      172                   3                   1.74%               3            1.74%

KIM                            207                  5                    2.42%              5             2.42%

PAM                           194                   5                    2.58%              5            2.58% 

I've been eating properly with no exercise.  Pam has been eating healthy and exercising with at home videos (she is also breastfeeding = cheating...kidding Pam).  Kim is an unofficial Weight Watchers member and is on the treadmill at least 4 hours a week. 

Looks like Pam is the winner for our first 2 weeks.  Great work Pam!  I need to find a way to sabotage you take a page out of your book!

If you're a lady friend and you have some extra poundage to loose, maybe you want to be a skinny bitch too?  Feel free to join....there may be a prize in it at the end but, maybe not.


- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (Fat bitch gettin' skinny...with her friends)

Pieces of Me

My most recent diagnosis is Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  The arrhythmia that I have now is not consistent with any sort of actual heart problem but the cardiologist was able to tell that my heart rhythm increased at night the most (doing no activity) and could see palpitations that were sporadic all day.  My doctor has asked to see me tomorrow to discuss a plan of action....because apparently the GAD is bad enough now that I have been physically manifesting the worry (hence all the stress related illnesses).  So there it is...essentially the root cause of all my problems with a little bit of a genetic factor involved.

Anyone who knows me, knows this above all other diagnosis I could've received is the worst news on a personal level.  I'm sorry this is so depressing, I have written other (more pleasant) posts and have yet to finish them, today I am not thinking...or editing....I am just pouring it all out.  Something, apparently I need to do a lot more of without worrying what you out there think of it.  This has always been a sort of strange outlet for me but,  I have not used it to my full advantage.  Before the Canadian Weblog Award thing happened my posts were mostly about the goings-on of my family life...some were relatively entertaining but, mostly dry because I was worried about what you thought and how far to take it.  After the attention I received on this blog because of the awards it became an obsession to be perfect...the perfect writer, the funniest....the best.  I became very anxious about sitting down to write anything in case it wasn't good enough.  What I didn't realize is that it was always, and always will be good enough for me.  I do like that some people whether they are close to me or not take the time to peruse my blog, I like that some of you are invested in it.  So I've decided to continue after a month long hiatus with some new rules (or guidelines) for myself.   

I will write when I feel the need to....or when there is something worthwhile (to me) of writing.  If you are following me on Facebook as well, sometimes I will commit to write and then I don't.  The only piece of advice I have is to remember Sarah = in the moment, and then out of the moment.  My intentions are good but my execution is not always timely.

I will write like no one is reading.  This may become offensive, or depressing, or infuriating to some of you....I can get extreme and generally write when I am feeling really positive or really negative....I usually don't feel the need when I am on an even keel.  I urge you to not read it if you end up feeling that way, especially if you know me because my ups and downs are only a small part of who I am although it's when I feel I am most in tune with my thoughts (no matter how irrational or dramatic after the fact).  My blog is not generally a true reflection of who I really am....just how I am thinking at the time.

I will start using more curse words.  It's how I was brought up, it's how I think and it's hard to edit my train of thought when I need to search for words to replace them with.  As unintelligent as curse words can sometimes make me sound, my writing would be more honest using them the same way they appear in my internal dialogue.

Anyhoo, back to the GAD and I forgot earlier to say that my thyroid problem was never Grave's it is Hashimoto's Disease which I will write about in the future (but, I'm not making any promises haha).  I think it's a much better alternative to Grave's however so I am pleased with the diagnosis on that one.  I can't say I wished it was nothing because that would make me unmistakeably certifiable.  I am on a thin line enough with that one already.  Earlier I had written that this was the worst diagnosis for me...let me explain a little. 

Since I was a little girl I always heard my Dad call my mother crazy.  Being "crazy" was a bad thing, it made you weak, it made you pathetic, it made you expendable...dirty...and ugly.  He also called my half-brother's mother crazy.  Lots of people were "crazy" to him.  My fathers definition of crazy was essentially anyone who did the following (and not all at once):   Cried, got frustrated and then cried,
cried and then hyperventilated because they were pushed to extreme emotional limits, was depressed, slept in too long, felt overly sad about something, expressed pain when they were hurt physically or emotionally and you were really crazy if you ever talked about ending your own life...in fact you would then be taunted to actually go through with it and given a time limit to calm down before you were taken to Selkirk to be admitted.

Now, to you I may have just made my Dad out to be a total monster.  I assure you he is not.  He is a man that came from a different time, with a different set of rules.  He came from a Dad who was abusive, neglectful and spiteful.  He took care of himself for a great deal of his life...hard knocks so to speak.  He has learned to develop skin as thick as armour and for a period in his life I believe belittling anyone who showed emotion was the perfect way for him to gain the upper hand in a relationship and keep control in his life.  My Dad also had undiagnosed Hepatitis C for a major part of his adult life due to intravenous drug use.  This is not an excuse but, a definite factor in how he behaved.  We are in a much better place now, him and I and it as he becomes older and more humble and I become older and more mature we grow closer to finding that incredible bond we once shared when I was a young child and innocent and looked at life one day at a time through rose colored glasses....before the divorce shit storm happened which gutted that little girl.

It has been ingrained in me that having any sort of "in my head" related illness, disorder or syndrome is a weakness, a flaw, something to be ashamed of, something to be embarrassed by.  The first thought that popped into my head when the Dr. told me it was GAD was "well then I should just kill myself now because all this physical stuff is happening to me and I am making it all up.  Because I am crazy...just like my mother."  Secondly the thought "I should've never had a child, now he's going to end up just like his mother....how selfish of me."

I don't actually think my mom is crazy, I don't think I ever did.  I heard that a lot though when I was younger and troubled that I was "crazy" just. like. my. mother.  Everything bad about me is just. like. my. mother.  I don't know if you can even understand how fucking confusing that was....because at that time I felt loved by my mother and that was wrong because I HAD TO love my father.  Those two things could not co-exist.  If I loved my mother or felt loved by her it meant I didn't love my father.  This may not of been a problem if I didn't hold my father on the highest pedestal there was.

Yes, I have "daddy" issues.  It's fairly apparent isn't it?  The thing is that I don't blame him at all.  I still love him and hold him on the highest pedestal there is (don't tell him that though).  The problem is that I have never been able to get over the dark times, those contradictions, that push and pull feeling that I had for such a long time...I just managed to internalize it and the fight continued inside of me even when I didn't realize it was still there.

I see the Doctor tomorrow...she is going to want to put me on antidepressants.  Hopefully she knows me well enough to understand that I have been down that road more times than I will admit and it always leads to a dead end.  This time, I will refuse them.  There has to be another way, I have to learn to cope....I will need help.  I don't know how to change.   Crazy will always be in the back of my mind now, I will stay up and worry about it later....because I don't know another way.  This is who I am.


- The St.Godard Brood Keeper