Back on Track...Well for the Most Part.

Warning...this is a long one so settle in and grab the beverage of your choice....

Long time no blog! Wow, did I ever leave you all "hanging" with that last post. I also got a lot of the uncomfortable "so...how are you doing?". I've come to realize that people in general find honesty very unsettling. It's much better to pretend that everything is classically "I'm good how are you?" This may sound like I am again being pessimistic and you're probably all thinking..."here we go again" but, I can assure you that I am in good spirits and just feeling my way around humanity is all.

So, when I left you last I was angry, confused and totally "in my head". I come back to you clear minded, well rested and generally content. I have changed the blog address because there are certain someones that I no longer wish to share with and you can now only read this by invite. If you are reading this then you are lucky....kidding! On with the updates....

I have had all my testing done (Opthamologist, MRI, Neurology) and everything is very positive. The conclusive diagnosis is that I am a perfect specimen of a human being! My brain (not my mind) is in perfect condition, my heart beats steady, my eyes see clearly and my muscles are lean and plentiful. I have some possible nerve damage from a car accident that happened over 4 years ago now which is suspect to be causing migraine headaches (on a daily basis now) and some vision disturbances. I will be going on a new medication soon to help keep that at bay (ahhh modern medicine). I have one final Dr's appointment at the end of this month to review how my current medication is working (fabulously by the way!). I can see clearly now the rain is gone! So Fibromyalgia and a touch of nerve damage...wow what a ride! I consider myself extremely blessed to have the Dr's that I did (which were all amazing, compassionate people) and to have had everything literally from my feet up thoroughly checked. I figure I'm in pretty good shape for the next few decades anyway! The Dr. said that because of my young ripe age this could very possibly just "go away" one day (Fibro not nerve pain). For now all I can do is get stronger, fitter, healthier and LIVE DARN IT!!! I am now able to go a whole day without pain or exhaustion which is cause for my now more positive outlook. The rest is up to me to take care of myself as best I can. Phew....that was a long one! Now for life as we know it.....

I'm not going to go to much into Christmas because it was a while back already and I'm not trying to write a novel here. I will say that it was lovely, relaxed, filled with good friends and family and really what more can you ask for? Aidan was very thankful for his gifts this year and deserved every last one. Although the consumerism surrounding Christmas makes me cringe, still nothing compares to seeing a child light up because they got what they asked for or something special they didn't expect. Witnessing Aidan's excitement as well as the other children's that are close to us is a true gift in itself and really all I ever need (even though Judd spoiled me rotten). It's funny that most people I know are stressed for a month (some more, some less) before the big day arrives. We all run around like fools getting this and that in whatever way we see fit and somehow, even though my intentions are otherwise I tend also to succumb to the hustle and bustle of the season and loose sight of what's important. Then...that magical day arrives and all of a sudden everything is o.k. and I realize what's really important (to me) and I breathe it all in so deep and try to hang on to it forever! I think I'm going to find somewhere in my home where I can display the word....REMEMBER maybe then I won't forget.

The New Year has brought a steady stream of "things to do". We are kept fairly busy, sometimes we forget to just be, but in general it's a good thing. Aidan has begun his second session of Karate he is now in private swimming lessons so that hopefully he will actually learn something thanks to a mom's advice in the community who was also paying for public lessons that just don't measure up. We have also enrolled him in ice skating again as that was something he really wants to get good at. Aidan is growing up so fast it's like I blink and he's an inch taller and a few steps closer to independence. He has calls constantly from friends on the weekend asking him to do this or that and he's actually had to choose which friend he wants to play with that day on numerous occasions now. It's still so funny to me when I answer the phone and little boy voices are on the line asking if Aidan is home. He is excited today because he actually gets to have recess outside today as it's not bone chilling cold here for once! I have made Aidan a priority again, really my only important priority. I think I lost my grip on that for a while so I am trying hard to reconnect (which Aidan makes very easy because he is such an open-hearted forgiving child). How did I get to be so fortunate when it comes to him? All in all Aidan is busy, has more of a social life than I do and he is very happy and healthy!

Ichabod has left us....luckily for us we found a very nice family who wanted him very badly. It is working out really well for them and he is very content there as he gets fed fish and gets to chase mice (yes, they have a mouse problem). He is loved and is better off at his new home. He was getting a little out of hand for us (scratching the new cedar, meowing constantly, walking on our heads while we are sleeping, needing 2 litter boxes and special food and just being a general pain in the you know what). I know he is Siamese but, come on! I have determined I am not a cat person. I realized this when Ichabod went missing for a few days and all I could do was wish he never came back. Judd felt the same and well, Aidan would trade him in for a piece of gum if you offered it to him so really, he was not appreciated here. We are now cat-less and much happier that way but, secure in knowing that he is now loved and appreciated. Farewell Ichabod it was fun but, I wouldn't do it over again.

Judd....works and works and works. He works at work and then he works at home. He is wearing very thin and my "wife demands" are hard for him to keep up with after all the work. I am trying now to take on everything I can so all he has to do is work.....maybe one day we can reconnect too. Sometimes I forget to put myself in his shoes, I wouldn't be able to work as hard as him and I respect him for that. The basement is nearing completion now and it is absolutely gorgeous! I will post pictures when it is complete, so exciting! Having a nicely renovated house is a great thing (especially when your father pays much of the expense and does a lot of the work) but, I often wonder if it is worth the sacrifices. We will have a nice house when it's done but right now renovations (and Jim) monopolize our time and our every action. Right now Judd's composure is very high stress as Jim is here 7 days a week and there hasn't been a break for him as far as working is concerned. By the time he actually gets some down time he is ready to pass out. I never asked my father to renovate my home, don't get me wrong I appreciate it and respect his craft, help and giving nature VERY much but, will I have a marriage when the house is completed? That is unfortunately a real question right now.....is it worth it in the end, we will see. Oops there I go being honest again, and a little sarcastic to boot!

With all that being said and the way we've been feeling lately I received the following paragraph in my email this morning....ahhhh the way of the universe is so comforting!

Breaking the world's control over your emotions

A lot in our past can be chalked up to inexperience, youth, and happenstance. But now, as an adult, you must claim your choices and their consequences as your own. Negative attitudes affect your life by creating cynicism, a pessimistic outlook, and often a lack of confidence. Take note of the ways you are escaping responsibility for your attitude. Do you continually blame situations, friends and family, or life in general for your poor mindset? The world has influence, without a doubt, but growing into a mature person means taking control of your emotions and attitude. Own them!

So goals for 2009 are to reconnect, breathe a lot, remember what's important, own my emotions and attitude and most of all to LIVE! See you in the funny papers!

No time now to post pics except a tribute to Icky-Sticks....will post lots next time!

I Feel Like I'm Dying....and Aidan has a mohawk!

Not that I know particularly what "dying" feels like...unless I actually am dying? Seriously though I am very confused and frustrated on a daily basis....one day I get diagnosed with Fibro, the next I am going for an MRI and to see a Neurologist for MS and Multiple Seizure Disorder??? I have a headache so bad right now that I feel like I'm going to puke and I've already taken 3 Migraine relief Tylenol (cause I'm not supposed to take T3's anymore as per the Dr)....NO RELIEF!

I realize I am generally a positive person, with a positive outlook. I have my moments in regular life but, I honestly have to say that my positivity is wearing very thin and I feel very alone. Well, isn't this nice I am spilling my guts to a blog post (how therapeutic).

Frustrated? Yes, extremely because I am not the type of person to just lay around and this is literally what I am forced to do generally once or twice a week because I've pushed too hard the other days. When I say "pushed" to hard, which is the most ridiculous part, I mean something like going shopping for 3 hours or going to a Dr.'s appointment and then out for lunch. Apparently I have not really come to terms with this because....

a) there are still other diagnosis out there lingering to be ruled out
b) I seriously cannot wrap my mind around that I can't "make it go away"
c) Every morning I wake up expecting to be "o.k" and then feel sorry for myself when I am not d) I am really "grieving" who I used to be and what I used to be able to accomplish.

Scared? Yes, because there are too many "what ifs" right now....I have tremors now which totally freak me out and the headaches are beyond anything I've ever experienced before. In a way I hope it is "only Fibromyalgia" and that the right medication and lifestyle will get me out of this crash and burn cycle I'm in. In another way though I still find it hard to believe that all of a sudden my life as I knew it got taken away from me almost overnight and that Fibromyalgia is the culprit. I guess that is because in the back of my mind I also have the mindset like most of society that Fibromyalgia is not a "legitimate" disease, although I know better because I've read all the material. It is kind of the same as viewing depression as a weakness I guess, which I also have a tendency to do (even though I know that too is wrong and unfair). I don't know maybe it's the way I was brought up....my dad thinks I should just "get moving" and I'll be o.k.....maybe I believe I should do that too but, I don't know how.

I think it is mostly the season that is putting me in this less than happy state. I see everyone out there having fun and getting "things done" and I want so desperately to be like them again, and I hate being told that I "can't". I'm not dying, I do not have something progressive (that we know of ), and in due time I should be able to manage my life very well.....so I should be happy right? You'd think so but, I am still in the process of understanding and accepting. For some reason I am just not there yet. I feel like a failure, a let down, a bad mother, a bad wife and a "needy" friend. I am not good at not having control and right now I feel like I am sinking and then I feel stupid for feeling like that.

I have good days like all of you reading this....it's just today is not a "good day". I tend to only write a blog when I am happy or positive about something but, today I am showing you that my life is not all smiles and sunshine, I have my dark moments too!

O.k. wow...I actually feel a bit better letting that all out....I hope I didn't bring anyone down but, that was at least a little liberating for me. On to the Good News.....

Aidan has a Mohawk! He's been asking for one for a while now and about 3 weeks ago we decided to take the plunge (after all it's only hair). It turned out pretty darn good and he gets a lot of complements on it! He has also started a trend, 1 of his friends is already sporting a "fauxhawk" and 2 mom's asked us if Judd would be able to give their kids the same "do". Judd should open his own barber shop....if anyone is in need of a Mohawk he'll hook you up! At first it was a little dramatic but, now that it's grown out a bit it's not as scary looking. Next he wants to dye the front of it blue...we'll see.

Aidan also tested for his purple belt in Karate and got it! We were very proud of him, he got all of his answers right on the oral test (what does karate mean, what does Bushido Kai mean, what is his sensei's name, what is a dojo, the 5 rules of karate do, counting to ten in Japanese and a couple others). As for the physical part, we did not realize how grueling it was going to be (after all he is only 6!). It was literally 30 minutes of running, knee jumps, push ups, sparing, curl ups, and floor drops and it did not stop for a minute. One of the other mom's and I were watching and telling them to "not give up" but, we both knew full well neither of us would be able to keep up (assuming I was my "old" self health wise). We are looking forward to next Tuesday when he will be presented with his achievement.

First term reports came out and Aidan also did very well in that area. His teacher told us she could not ask for a better student so we had proud moments all around with him over this past month. I think Aidan has a little crush on his teacher cause he gets mighty shy around her (she is pretty cute after all!). He is always making cards for her at home which is cute. We are glad he likes his teacher, I think that makes learning a lot more fun!

Judd is doing great as usual...he is the picture perfect husband and has been amazingly supportive through all of this. He is a strong person, kind and as compassionate as he is capable of considering he's never really experienced any ailments of his own. He is still forever working on the house and is currently working on fixing all the shotty duct work that was done a little while ago. To my amazement (I thought he was being a little anal about it all) the ducts are blowing like crazy up here right now and it is a huge improvement from what the paid workers had done! I figured it didn't make much sense that is was like 75 degrees in the basement all the time and only 68 degrees and freezing upstairs unless we had the heat on constantly. I just kind of accepted that the "duct people" knew what they were doing so it must be right. This time Judd was right but, I cannot tell him this because I don't want him to think he has the "upper hand" in the relationship....kidding :)

Anyway, my hands are seizing up on me now and it is time to get back to my new best friend (the couch). We are getting ready for Christmas as best as we can and hopefully we will be able to see some of you over the holidays! I will be more "positive" next time I promise!

Judd, Sarah, Aidan, Kneesaa & Ick

The Verdict is in...

So, went to the Rheumatologist on Monday as planned and much to my surprise and anticipation I actually got some answers! One thing was Raynaud's Phenomenon which is pretty much an intolerance to cold as well as poor circulation. I wasn't expecting that but my fingers and toes turned blue while I was there so it was pretty clear for her to see what was going on there. Also, Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain. Not so much a surprise to me or my mother who went with to support.

What does all this mean? Well for starters I am off work for a few months to get the pain, fatigue and headaches under control. Then it is only suggested I return to work part time...so much for my U Weight Loss Job...figures. Secondly my diet, my routine, my ideas of exercise and my life all HAVE to change. Last, I will as I have already encounter people that have so many opinions on what this is (or isn't) and how I should deal with it or how I did it to myself. I say to that....please ask me questions, I am happy to share. Need information, sure I already have tons of it. Support me, Judd and Aidan as we begin our journey to understand, ACCEPT and learn how to deal with this...absolutely please! If you don't know or don't care to know I don't want to know your opinion...clear? Yes! OK let's move on....

We are laughing at times about it (we can have a dark sense of humor), we cry about it and have already pounded our fists at it but, the reality is that it is here and we are all dealing with it which is key! I am reading as much as I can, seeing as many specialists as possible and figuring it all out as fast as I can achieve. My appointment next week with the pain specialist will hopefully bring new light on the situation...although I am not a fan of pharmaceuticals, I will take them happily in the short term to get over this speed bump that has slowed me down for the past couple of months.

Enough about me yeesh....I will keep everyone up to date on my progress, I am looking at it as an adventure and what better excuse is there to lead a pure and simple life from this point forward! On with the show....

Aidan is PUMPED for Christmas, he has already made his list which had some interesting items that he not previously shared that he wanted such as a skateboard and sports events tickets. His big gift that he is hoping for is a Wii, unfortunately I don't think Santa will be loading that on his sleigh with an Aidan name tag this year and I have prepared Aidan for the outcome already. This year we are being creative with our gift giving and since I am home there will be a lot of more sentimental giving rather than merchandise. I think those are more cherished gifts anyway but, regularly it would be hard to find the time. I will let you know what they are after the season as I don't want to spoil the surprise! He is also big on the snow this year and was excited to finally see it fall last week. Let's say he is getting some pretty good use of his winter gear already and especially enjoys wrestling in the snow with Judd and Kneesaa!

Judd is on a mission of health again (last time was right before Mexico). He is on the treadmill every morning and does at least 5km of running each and every day! He is working up to 10km on the weekends and is frequently doing push-ups in the living room. I am secretly proud of him but, I make fun of him anyway because I am jealous of his dedication and drive. He has already lost the extra poundage he put on over the summer (beer would be the culprit) and looks fantastic as always!

Still no progress on the home reno's so nothing to say there, really other than the above we are just plugging along taking our happy moments where we can get them. Hope you are all happy and healthy and enjoying the winter weather!