Sleep Deprivation and the Blue Screen of Death

Oy, I am running on empty lately, it makes me kind of fun though...at least I think so. I am forever shocked at the energy that comes pouring out of me when I am sleep deprived.  It's like I am on an extreme high all the time but, never cross the line into complete psychosis (again, my opinion). 

The reason I haven't been getting adequate beauty rest is that my best friend has died, sad I know.  Luckily, there are places I can take her to be revived, if not but only for her memory.  I knew this day was coming, I anticipated it but, foolishly did not prepare for it...some kind of mental block prevented me from preserving her hard work, the pictures locked up safely inside of her among many other things about her that have left a shortcoming on my life these past few days.  I tried so hard to bring her back on my own, stayed up all hours of the night tinkering and thinking to no avail.  I must succumb and now bring her to a miracle worker in hopes that at least some of her inner workings can be restored.    For now, I've had to learn to rely on my 8 year olds best friend which I'm grateful to have but, it's just not the same.

Sometimes I wonder how stupid a person (meaning this person) can be...I've had an external hard drive sitting on my desk for almost a year now.  My husband bought it for me last year for Christmas because I was forever in a panicked state by the thought that I had waaay to much information on my hard drive to even begin uploading it to disk at that point but, no back up.  My life is on that thing, as pathetic as that sounds...if my information cannot be recovered it may be the straw that breaks the camels back, or the straw that sends me into hysteria which is likely to make the evening news.  The worst part about it, is that it's my own damn fault.  No, actually the worst part about it is that this is not the first time I've done it.

Wonder if I will learn my lesson this time?

The St.Godard Brood Keeper (Stupid is, as stupid does)

My Loose Screw Fell Out

Yesterday I was all kinds of crazy.

My day started off seemingly normal, got up, cup of joe, walked zombie-like around the house mumbling to myself, deliriously rummaging through clean laundry Mount Everest to find work pants which will need to go in the dryer again for 5 minutes because I am too lazy to iron them and seriously lagging in the putting away laundry department.  I did one thing different...no Beta Blocker.  Figured my pulse was normal, no palpitations that I could feel so I must not need them....I would wait until I felt like I needed them....yeah, that's a good plan.  Turns out, probably not, go figure.

Continuing the day.....go to work, forgot to do about half of my month end duties then the call from the Endocrinologist's office.   "Hello Sarah, Dr. Moron doesn't know why you were referred to her because your thyroid levels are normal."  I explain to her my symptoms, the goiter and the tachycardia.  "Well, Dr. Moron would like you to come to Timbuktu on Friday  and wait 16 and a half hours at the busiest lab in the world because we know you have nothing better to do, and have a 5th blood test done that will show us the exact same results.  Then Dr. Moron will decide if you should be seen by her."   This conversation started a wave of what I will call "psychotic episodes" for lack of a better description.

Called my Dr's office.  "Um, could you have my Dr. call me please?"

Receptionist: "Um, doctors don't call patients."

My other personality (the not nice one that belongs in a straight jacket):  "I don't really give a s**t WHAT doctors DON'T DO, I've been taken off my anti-thyroid medication, don't know if I should take my Beta Blockers and now the Endocrinologist doesn't know why I've been referred to her!!!  Have my DOCTOR CALL ME!"

Receptionist:  " I will give her the message."

I felt pretty good about myself at that point, look at me go all intimidating and stuff.   Starting to feel a little off at this point, my boss is looking at me kind of funny and asking why I have so much energy.  I get her to take my blood pressure and pulse and then spend the rest of the day walking around with the blood pressure cuff hanging off my arm so I could check it at 10 second intervals, having tremors that I'm sure were registering on the Richter Scale and found myself getting progressively more aggressive towards everything in general.

Came home, walked 20 miles on the treadmill before realizing it wasn't plugged in.  Had a nice lady Dr. friend put things into some sort of perspective for me and made me a little more at ease about the conversation earlier with Dr. Moron's assistant.  Then my husband came home.......I should stop the writing here because once I continue you will really know crazy and it's name starts with a "Sarah is".

Husband was a little quiet, started making dinner but, in my world he was quiet because he was mad at me for not starting dinner, he was pouting because he was making dinner and how dare he NOT care about what was going on with me.  So I started talking to him (which strangely he perceived as yelling), honestly I can't even remember what I said but, I knew it didn't make sense even as I was saying it.  That didn't stop me though.

Proceeded to then call my Mom, and ask her if it was an option for me to stay there (in her house about an hour away, with the highways and the snow, 1 bedroom and of course I was bringing Aidan)  I figured this was a perfectly rational plan.  Good for me.  Back to husband, tell him I am leaving with Aidan (if he wants to come) until I am better because right now I cannot deal with him being mad at me for not making dinner when I have all this crap to deal with.  At this point he has already mentioned at least 36 times that he is not mad at me for anything, just tired and wanted to get dinner done and over with.

Go into Aidan's room, I am concerned that he has heard us fighting and saw on Dr.Phil that this irreparably damages your child to the point that they will become a serial killer.  He is reading a book.

Crazy Mom: "Hey buddy, can I talk to you for a minute?"

AJ:  "Sure"

Crazy Mom:  " Are you upset that Dad and I were fighting just now"

AJ: "No, not really."

Crazy Mom:  "Did you hear me say that I am going to Beppe's (what he calls my Mom)?"

AJ: "Yes"

Crazy Mom:  "Do you think that's a better idea than me and Dad fighting?"

AJ: " Ummmm, I don't really care, can I read my book now?"

Crazy Mom: "Do you want to come, or stay here with Dad?"

AJ: "Well, Beppe does have a fire pit but, wouldn't I have to get up earlier than usual to get to school on time?  I would rather stay here but, I would miss you and how would I cook with you on Sunday?"

At this point I realize that I am talking to an 8 year old who bases his decisions on who has a fire pit.  This is going nowhere fast.  Irreparably damaging, yeah right.  Thanks for making me look like a fool Dr.Phil, because otherwise I appear perfectly normal.

Called my Mom back to tell her it's a no go.  Interestingly she seemed to breathe a sigh of relief but, in my crazy state I probably only thought it was relief when really she was upset because she wanted to see me so badly, who doesn't?  Gave AJ a hug, told him not to worry and everything would be okay (not like he was worried....at all).  Took a Beta Blocker and WHAM....felt better within 10 minutes....that's strange, I thought and then thought nothing more of it.  Until today.....

I did the same thing all over again, no Beta Blocker, crazy, blood pressure cuff dragging on arm, tremors, collapsed in the door after work, took a Beta Blocker and magically better again.  I'm beginning to suspect a pattern.

On a side note, here is the message I left for my boss so she knew to get more half & half for the office.  I think at some point I also called her a dinosaur because she didn't use on-line banking.  She reminded me who signed my paycheck...I'm not sure why?


- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (aka Super Intuitive Child Psychologist)

Dear Graves' Disease; I Hate You.

I don't have Cancer or some other disease/condition that is going to cut my life short and put me through all sorts of unimaginable hell but, I have to say that you, Graves'  Disease are becoming a real pain in my arse.
I think you are being rather cruel and I wish you would take yourself to the nearest high rise building and take a flying leap off of the top.  Then, I hope that you fall to the ground, maybe even on a box of nails that some construction worker left on the sidewalk by accident with all the points facing up.  That would be nice of you, and you should do that STAT.

Stat is what the Dr. ordered yesterday, with complete authority and I was rather enamored with her because she has failed me in the past, more than once.  This was indeed a nice and welcomed change in our seemingly everlasting relationship.  When she took my pulse today (which was high at 108 bpm) she could feel the palpitations that are happening to my heart, now even with the Beta Blockers.  So Beta Blockers, I am also not too fond of you lately either, way to do your job.  Pffft.  She kind of got googly eyes after she felt them. In case you don't know that look, it's the one that tells you that a Dr. has been awoken from the coma that a countless number of common cold symptoms, and limitless embryo sonograms has put them in.  It's the thrill that a Dr. gets when they have a patient sitting right in their very own family medical practise that actually has something that needs immediate attention.  They get to put on their detective cap and they start frantically doing laps around their exam room (yes, it is possible even in that small of space).  You can practically see the wheels turning in their minds...."This is urgent, this is the most exciting thing that's happened to me all week!"  Awesome, I'm glad I could give her a thrill.  While she is doing laps and I am practically having a heart attack on her table (total exaggeration) she manages to tell me (even though she is a little out of breath from running laps) that I am Tachycardic which basically means that my heart rate is too fast....duh!  Anyway, I think the main concern was that the palpitations are indeed increasing and therefore I am now on an increased dose of Beta Blockers.  I seem to tolerate them quite well on the other hand so I'm not too concerned about that.

I was pretty convinced that I no longer had (or never had) Fibromyalgia so I mentioned that to her.  She told me that the two are totally unrelated because I had all 18 trigger points which generally confirms it and that they had tested my thyroid levels consistently during that time to rule out a thyroid problem.  Now, that doesn't mean that I haven't had Graves' disease for longer than just the past few months, it just wasn't showing up and I still have Fibromyalgia as well.  I just about kicked her in the taco at that point.  That may sound harsh but, I always hated that label the Rheumatologist put on me and I kind of wanted it to be vetoed by the Grave's....no such luck.  I immediately went home and got in the shower fully clothed and cried (another total exaggeration).  What I really did was take some Beta Blockers and went shopping with a friend...it was super good times!  I got a call later on from said Dr. telling me that my thyroid levels were pretty good and that the medication seems to be working (for now)  so that is good news, and I am quite happy not to take an increased dose of that poison because it hasn't been all that fun thus far.  Unless you consider being a zombie fun but, I don't think you would like the taste of human flesh (although I heard it tastes like pork...mmmm bacon).

So that's it for now, my adventure continues....still waiting for the ultrasound to determine the fate of my new close friend the goiter, still crying in the shower fully clothed and hoping for a speedy(ish) recovery.

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (the most awesome Tachycardic person you know)

We're All Mad Here, You'll Fit Right In

A classic quote from Alice  in Wonderland that completely encompasses my daily life.  If you can remember about 2 years ago my rantings about this so called "blanket" diagnosis I received called Fibromyalgia  read it here, well apparently the Dr's (who I have reason to believe receive their credentials from Cracker Jack boxes) have gone back to the drawing board and have come up with an actual diagnosis, a real disease I tells ya!

So the new verdict is Graves' Disease, it is not as "grave" as it sounds though.  Let me tell you a little about it...

DUDE, Where's my Thyroid?

Firstly, I am not crazy, I have Graves' Disease, no really not crazy!  Yep, all those times when I got hulk psycho on some of you, finished your sentences because you just weren't talking fast enough for my hyper-driven Graves' mind, ran around like a chicken with it's head cut off stressing about minute details that you all knew really didn't matter it was ALL the Graves' and not really me, or that's my story now anyway.

The diagnosis came about when I stopped sleeping...literally.  I was getting on average 2 hours of broken sleep, waking up with what felt like my heart trying to claw it's way out of my chest and surprisingly was able to still function, I was super human, finally there were enough hours in the day because I no longer needed sleep!  It was a little concerning and a lot annoying but, I figured it was stress, or Fibromyalgia, or just a some kind of cycle that mimicked one of those spinning carnival rides, the one's that you throw up a little in your mouth while standing in line for.  Whatever, I was bound and determined not to let it get me down, not to let it interfere and to keep on truckin' no matter the cause.  Then came the Goiter.

Hmmmm, can't swallow solid food without this gnawing feeling of it hitting a lump in my throat and then a feeling of food being stuck there, this may be a problem I thought to myself.  Then my boss blew it out of the water...."Umm Sarah, why is your neck swollen?"  With a quick feel, she told me that was my thyroid and I should probably seek medical advice in the speediest of fashions.  Speediest of fashions meant 2 days later because I refused to miss work to see those weirdo's with the white lab coats who like to ask silly questions, tell me it's all in my head and give me that "you're a crazy person", "whens my coffee break" glazed eyed look.

Lucky for me, the Dr. at the St.James Clinic didn't think I was weird at all.  In fact it was quite the opposite...he wondered why I hadn't come in sooner.  That's a joke all in itself but, I became a little concerned at that point.  What? You are not going to just tell me it's a virus, or stress and send me on my merry way?  WHAT?  He immediately left to get an Endocrinologist on the phone, to no avail (and he was seemingly flustered at this point) he advised me that I was to start taking Beta Blockers immediately as my pulse and blood pressure were abnormally high.  Personally, I thought being able to feel my heart beating all the time was perfectly normal, apparently I was incorrect in this assumption.  He muttered words like Hyperthyroidism, Thyroid Storm, Graves' Disease and that God forsaken "C" word but, would send me to that place where they harvest human blood for the vampire outbreak that's sure to come (otherwise known as the "lab") so he could gather more pertinent information. 

I have to admit, I was a little shell shocked, so I left and took my prescription to the conveniently located pharmaceutical drug dealer in the same building and got me some Beta Blockers....whatever those were.  I later found out they were to steady my heart so that it beat more efficiently.  I was told to go straight to the hospital without passing GO if my symptoms were to worsen, or I felt chest pain.  I know your thinking I slept happily ever after from this point forward....not quite.  Up all night, worried because I could not feel my heart beating and had a strange heaviness in my chest.  Boss orders me to go to the hospital, this is not normal, and she didn't seem to be buying my rationalization that they were side effects that I just "had to get used to". 

St.Boniface ER was an adventure in of itself but, there I was told to lower my dose of Beta Blockers, and also had results back from blood work that it was indeed Hyperthyroidism....sent on my merry way once more.  The meds were doing their job quite well now and I started to get some better rest...super!  Early in the week I received a call from the walk-in Dr, asking me to come in because his blood tests show antibodies which indicated Graves' Disease.  Long story, even longer he has now started me on anti-thyroid medications as I have Thyrotoxicosis and cannot wait for a specialist to start treatment.

Now the waiting begins, for an ultrasound on the goiter to see if I need to have it removed and also to see an Endocrinologist to discuss further courses of treatment.  I am not holding my breath, taking it one self loathing day at a time, determined to deal with it as best I can and only cry about it curled up in the shower fully clothed (for dramatic effect).



- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (aka Thyroid Storm, your new favorite super hero)