I realize I am generally a positive person, with a positive outlook. I have my moments in regular life but, I honestly have to say that my positivity is wearing very thin and I feel very alone. Well, isn't this nice I am spilling my guts to a blog post (how therapeutic).
Frustrated? Yes, extremely because I am not the type of person to just lay around and this is literally what I am forced to do generally once or twice a week because I've pushed too hard the other days. When I say "pushed" to hard, which is the most ridiculous part, I mean something like going shopping for 3 hours or going to a Dr.'s appointment and then out for lunch. Apparently I have not really come to terms with this because....
a) there are still other diagnosis out there lingering to be ruled out
b) I seriously cannot wrap my mind around that I can't "make it go away"
c) Every morning I wake up expecting to be "o.k" and then feel sorry for myself when I am not d) I am really "grieving" who I used to be and what I used to be able to accomplish.
Scared? Yes, because there are too many "what ifs" right now....I have tremors now which totally freak me out and the headaches are beyond anything I've ever experienced before. In a way I hope it is "only Fibromyalgia" and that the right medication and lifestyle will get me out of this crash and burn cycle I'm in. In another way though I still find it hard to believe that all of a sudden my life as I knew it got taken away from me almost overnight and that Fibromyalgia is the culprit. I guess that is because in the back of my mind I also have the mindset like most of society that Fibromyalgia is not a "legitimate" disease, although I know better because I've read all the material. It is kind of the same as viewing depression as a weakness I guess, which I also have a tendency to do (even though I know that too is wrong and unfair). I don't know maybe it's the way I was brought up....my dad thinks I should just "get moving" and I'll be o.k.....maybe I believe I should do that too but, I don't know how.
I think it is mostly the season that is putting me in this less than happy state. I see everyone out there having fun and getting "things done" and I want so desperately to be like them again, and I hate being told that I "can't". I'm not dying, I do not have something progressive (that we know of ), and in due time I should be able to manage my life very well.....so I should be happy right? You'd think so but, I am still in the process of understanding and accepting. For some reason I am just not there yet. I feel like a failure, a let down, a bad mother, a bad wife and a "needy" friend. I am not good at not having control and right now I feel like I am sinking and then I feel stupid for feeling like that.
I have good days like all of you reading this....it's just today is not a "good day". I tend to only write a blog when I am happy or positive about something but, today I am showing you that my life is not all smiles and sunshine, I have my dark moments too!
O.k. wow...I actually feel a bit better letting that all out....I hope I didn't bring anyone down but, that was at least a little liberating for me. On to the Good News.....
Aidan has a Mohawk! He's been asking for one for a while now and about 3 weeks ago we decided to take the plunge (after all it's only hair). It turned out pretty darn good and he gets a lot of complements on it! He has also started a trend, 1 of his friends is already sporting a "fauxhawk" and 2 mom's asked us if Judd would be able to give their kids the same "do". Judd should open his own barber shop....if anyone is in need of a Mohawk he'll hook you up! At first it was a little dramatic but, now that it's grown out a bit it's not as scary looking. Next he wants to dye the front of it blue...we'll see.
Aidan also tested for his purple belt in Karate and got it! We were very proud of him, he got all of his answers right on the oral test (what does karate mean, what does Bushido Kai mean, what is his sensei's name, what is a dojo, the 5 rules of karate do, counting to ten in Japanese and a couple others). As for the physical part, we did not realize how grueling it was going to be (after all he is only 6!). It was literally 30 minutes of running, knee jumps, push ups, sparing, curl ups, and floor drops and it did not stop for a minute. One of the other mom's and I were watching and telling them to "not give up" but, we both knew full well neither of us would be able to keep up (assuming I was my "old" self health wise). We are looking forward to next Tuesday when he will be presented with his achievement.
First term reports came out and Aidan also did very well in that area. His teacher told us she could not ask for a better student so we had proud moments all around with him over this past month. I think Aidan has a little crush on his teacher cause he gets mighty shy around her (she is pretty cute after all!). He is always making cards for her at home which is cute. We are glad he likes his teacher, I think that makes learning a lot more fun!
Judd is doing great as usual...he is the picture perfect husband and has been amazingly supportive through all of this. He is a strong person, kind and as compassionate as he is capable of considering he's never really experienced any ailments of his own. He is still forever working on the house and is currently working on fixing all the shotty duct work that was done a little while ago. To my amazement (I thought he was being a little anal about it all) the ducts are blowing like crazy up here right now and it is a huge improvement from what the paid workers had done! I figured it didn't make much sense that is was like 75 degrees in the basement all the time and only 68 degrees and freezing upstairs unless we had the heat on constantly. I just kind of accepted that the "duct people" knew what they were doing so it must be right. This time Judd was right but, I cannot tell him this because I don't want him to think he has the "upper hand" in the relationship....kidding :)
Anyway, my hands are seizing up on me now and it is time to get back to my new best friend (the couch). We are getting ready for Christmas as best as we can and hopefully we will be able to see some of you over the holidays! I will be more "positive" next time I promise!
Judd, Sarah, Aidan, Kneesaa & Ick
I assure you that you are an excellent person in every capacity and if every once in a while you use your blog to lash out at the "demise of your physical well being" I for one appreciate your honesty and count it as another one of your successes.
ReplyDeleteFailure is never a word that comes to mind when I think of you. As ever, my advice to you is stop being so hard on yourself ...
Hope your headache has subsided and that you waste no more time worrying that you are cheating Judd and Aidan out of something by having limited energy at this time ... neither one of them would be in as good a shape as they are without the benefit of having you in their lives.
We all benefit from Judd being such a good husband and Aidan being such a good son as your love for them seems to motivate you to "blog on" even when you are having a down day.
I am ashamed of myself for taking it for granted that you keep this and the pure shop blog running and I read every word you write and treasure every picture but never take a minute to let you know how much it means to me.
Thanking you and loving you Sarah for sharing so much ... Mom