I am Not Good at Commitment

Sorry, again I have floundered when it comes to the family blogging. I actually was thinking of ending the blog completely but, then so many people have asked when my next post will be that I decided to keep going. Sometimes I don't realize how many people actually check in on this until I haven't seen someone in a while and they know everything that's going on with me anyways. They say "oh yeah I read the blog". So in a way it's a great outlet for me and I'm glad to keep everyone that is interested informed. It has proven to leave a lot of space during visits for actual conversation rather than just "catching up".

Too much has probably happened so, I will do my best to recall the past few months and break it down for all of you.

Aidan finished his first set of private swimming lessons and I am SO impressed! It was worth every extra penny because he ended up passing his level 1 and partial level 2 in just 9 classes. He is like a little fish now and we are excited to start the second round next Friday. You see, his first class was supposed to be this past Friday but, I have no brain now since I started my new medication so after rushing to get there and making Aidan get naked in record time in the change room I discovered I had forgot his swim trunks....ooops! After a bout of crying, and a slush puppy to make up for my mistake I made a serious mental note to bring swim trunks to swimming from now on.

He also finished skating lessons which he did really well in but, we are taking a break right now from skating and karate until the fall. Soccer starts in a few weeks and Judd got suckered into being the head coach for this year. He is still desperately searching for an assistant coach because none of the other parents are able to do it. Judd was also voted onto the board of our community center....ahh how they grow up so fast!

Aidan's social life is flourishing, he is definitely taking after Judd in that respect. He loves to be surrounded by people and doesn't discriminate about who can be his friend. We are busy most weekends with play dates and I am getting to know some of the parents in the community very well. It's nice to be able to network with Aidan's friends parents. He is doing well in school and really in every other aspect of his life. He is still a joy although he is starting to get "boy" stink being so busy all the time so he now has a shower sometimes 2 times a day dependant on what he's doing. I've discovered that little boys are quite disgusting but, he's my disgusting boy and I love him just the same!

Judd is still working plenty. Things have slowed down a little around here and we have had lots of time to just be. Our marriage still has it's bumps but, we are doing substantially better and still finding our way. It's funny that we didn't have a whole lot of serious issues before marriage even though we had already been together for 6 years. As soon as that ring went on trouble started for some reason? I think mostly we just had too much on our plate since we said our I do's and now that things are calmer we are getting back to where we were. It is nice here and we are both committed to making it better with every day. The upstairs bathroom was completed about 3 weeks ago and it is absolutely gorgeous! I can say I am honestly torn between the two. Judd and Papa did such a great job on both bathrooms and we are really beginning to live in and enjoy our home. I thank my lucky stars each time I look around or show it off that I have a father who is willing and able to do all this for us!

Soon, we will be moving on with the renovations and onto the main floor and hopefully the kitchen come fall time. Then it's on to landscaping, garage and fence and finally done! By that time I'm sure something else will come up but, hopefully we'll be able to breathe it all in for a while first!

I am doing well, my business is flourishing finally people are catching on to it. My health is ho-hum some days good, some days not so good but, according to my Dr. this is my life now unless I want to take narcotics (which I DO NOT) I will just have to try my best and deal. I'm still trying to get into a healthy routine some days I falter and some days I don't but, summer is coming which gives me inspiration to get fit and healthy so here's hoping! He did give me a glimmer of hope in saying that normally chronic pain in younger people just disappears sometimes like one day I will wake up and it will be all gone!!! I was hoping I was there so I started to wean off my medication but, within a few days symptoms started to surface so I am back on for now. I've decided not to go back to work for now due to restrictions my Dr. has set out for me so my focus is maintaining a healthy lifestyle and hopefully being pain free most of my days. I am consistently improving otherwise. I have however decided to return to school. I will be upgrading at Red River starting in September and then hopefully on to their accelerated nursing program to become an RN. It is a wide enough field for me that if by the time I graduate if I am still dealing with pain I can go into a less demanding position for the same nursing wage. Or if I am feeling good I can do something that requires my entirety. It's something I wanted to do right after Aidan was born but, I just wasn't in a position where I could return to school. I am now in that position so if things stay stable this is now my goal.

Well, Judd just walked in with some delicious Chinese food....just returned from the circus with Aidan and 4 of his friends so no time for cooking! I'm off and I will post a few pics after dinner from the past few months!

Happiness & Health,

Judd, Sarah, Aidan & Kneesaa

Back on Track...Well for the Most Part.

Warning...this is a long one so settle in and grab the beverage of your choice....

Long time no blog! Wow, did I ever leave you all "hanging" with that last post. I also got a lot of the uncomfortable "so...how are you doing?". I've come to realize that people in general find honesty very unsettling. It's much better to pretend that everything is classically "I'm good how are you?" This may sound like I am again being pessimistic and you're probably all thinking..."here we go again" but, I can assure you that I am in good spirits and just feeling my way around humanity is all.

So, when I left you last I was angry, confused and totally "in my head". I come back to you clear minded, well rested and generally content. I have changed the blog address because there are certain someones that I no longer wish to share with and you can now only read this by invite. If you are reading this then you are lucky....kidding! On with the updates....

I have had all my testing done (Opthamologist, MRI, Neurology) and everything is very positive. The conclusive diagnosis is that I am a perfect specimen of a human being! My brain (not my mind) is in perfect condition, my heart beats steady, my eyes see clearly and my muscles are lean and plentiful. I have some possible nerve damage from a car accident that happened over 4 years ago now which is suspect to be causing migraine headaches (on a daily basis now) and some vision disturbances. I will be going on a new medication soon to help keep that at bay (ahhh modern medicine). I have one final Dr's appointment at the end of this month to review how my current medication is working (fabulously by the way!). I can see clearly now the rain is gone! So Fibromyalgia and a touch of nerve damage...wow what a ride! I consider myself extremely blessed to have the Dr's that I did (which were all amazing, compassionate people) and to have had everything literally from my feet up thoroughly checked. I figure I'm in pretty good shape for the next few decades anyway! The Dr. said that because of my young ripe age this could very possibly just "go away" one day (Fibro not nerve pain). For now all I can do is get stronger, fitter, healthier and LIVE DARN IT!!! I am now able to go a whole day without pain or exhaustion which is cause for my now more positive outlook. The rest is up to me to take care of myself as best I can. Phew....that was a long one! Now for life as we know it.....

I'm not going to go to much into Christmas because it was a while back already and I'm not trying to write a novel here. I will say that it was lovely, relaxed, filled with good friends and family and really what more can you ask for? Aidan was very thankful for his gifts this year and deserved every last one. Although the consumerism surrounding Christmas makes me cringe, still nothing compares to seeing a child light up because they got what they asked for or something special they didn't expect. Witnessing Aidan's excitement as well as the other children's that are close to us is a true gift in itself and really all I ever need (even though Judd spoiled me rotten). It's funny that most people I know are stressed for a month (some more, some less) before the big day arrives. We all run around like fools getting this and that in whatever way we see fit and somehow, even though my intentions are otherwise I tend also to succumb to the hustle and bustle of the season and loose sight of what's important. Then...that magical day arrives and all of a sudden everything is o.k. and I realize what's really important (to me) and I breathe it all in so deep and try to hang on to it forever! I think I'm going to find somewhere in my home where I can display the word....REMEMBER maybe then I won't forget.

The New Year has brought a steady stream of "things to do". We are kept fairly busy, sometimes we forget to just be, but in general it's a good thing. Aidan has begun his second session of Karate he is now in private swimming lessons so that hopefully he will actually learn something thanks to a mom's advice in the community who was also paying for public lessons that just don't measure up. We have also enrolled him in ice skating again as that was something he really wants to get good at. Aidan is growing up so fast it's like I blink and he's an inch taller and a few steps closer to independence. He has calls constantly from friends on the weekend asking him to do this or that and he's actually had to choose which friend he wants to play with that day on numerous occasions now. It's still so funny to me when I answer the phone and little boy voices are on the line asking if Aidan is home. He is excited today because he actually gets to have recess outside today as it's not bone chilling cold here for once! I have made Aidan a priority again, really my only important priority. I think I lost my grip on that for a while so I am trying hard to reconnect (which Aidan makes very easy because he is such an open-hearted forgiving child). How did I get to be so fortunate when it comes to him? All in all Aidan is busy, has more of a social life than I do and he is very happy and healthy!

Ichabod has left us....luckily for us we found a very nice family who wanted him very badly. It is working out really well for them and he is very content there as he gets fed fish and gets to chase mice (yes, they have a mouse problem). He is loved and is better off at his new home. He was getting a little out of hand for us (scratching the new cedar, meowing constantly, walking on our heads while we are sleeping, needing 2 litter boxes and special food and just being a general pain in the you know what). I know he is Siamese but, come on! I have determined I am not a cat person. I realized this when Ichabod went missing for a few days and all I could do was wish he never came back. Judd felt the same and well, Aidan would trade him in for a piece of gum if you offered it to him so really, he was not appreciated here. We are now cat-less and much happier that way but, secure in knowing that he is now loved and appreciated. Farewell Ichabod it was fun but, I wouldn't do it over again.

Judd....works and works and works. He works at work and then he works at home. He is wearing very thin and my "wife demands" are hard for him to keep up with after all the work. I am trying now to take on everything I can so all he has to do is work.....maybe one day we can reconnect too. Sometimes I forget to put myself in his shoes, I wouldn't be able to work as hard as him and I respect him for that. The basement is nearing completion now and it is absolutely gorgeous! I will post pictures when it is complete, so exciting! Having a nicely renovated house is a great thing (especially when your father pays much of the expense and does a lot of the work) but, I often wonder if it is worth the sacrifices. We will have a nice house when it's done but right now renovations (and Jim) monopolize our time and our every action. Right now Judd's composure is very high stress as Jim is here 7 days a week and there hasn't been a break for him as far as working is concerned. By the time he actually gets some down time he is ready to pass out. I never asked my father to renovate my home, don't get me wrong I appreciate it and respect his craft, help and giving nature VERY much but, will I have a marriage when the house is completed? That is unfortunately a real question right now.....is it worth it in the end, we will see. Oops there I go being honest again, and a little sarcastic to boot!

With all that being said and the way we've been feeling lately I received the following paragraph in my email this morning....ahhhh the way of the universe is so comforting!

Breaking the world's control over your emotions

A lot in our past can be chalked up to inexperience, youth, and happenstance. But now, as an adult, you must claim your choices and their consequences as your own. Negative attitudes affect your life by creating cynicism, a pessimistic outlook, and often a lack of confidence. Take note of the ways you are escaping responsibility for your attitude. Do you continually blame situations, friends and family, or life in general for your poor mindset? The world has influence, without a doubt, but growing into a mature person means taking control of your emotions and attitude. Own them!

So goals for 2009 are to reconnect, breathe a lot, remember what's important, own my emotions and attitude and most of all to LIVE! See you in the funny papers!

No time now to post pics except a tribute to Icky-Sticks....will post lots next time!

I Feel Like I'm Dying....and Aidan has a mohawk!

Not that I know particularly what "dying" feels like...unless I actually am dying? Seriously though I am very confused and frustrated on a daily basis....one day I get diagnosed with Fibro, the next I am going for an MRI and to see a Neurologist for MS and Multiple Seizure Disorder??? I have a headache so bad right now that I feel like I'm going to puke and I've already taken 3 Migraine relief Tylenol (cause I'm not supposed to take T3's anymore as per the Dr)....NO RELIEF!

I realize I am generally a positive person, with a positive outlook. I have my moments in regular life but, I honestly have to say that my positivity is wearing very thin and I feel very alone. Well, isn't this nice I am spilling my guts to a blog post (how therapeutic).

Frustrated? Yes, extremely because I am not the type of person to just lay around and this is literally what I am forced to do generally once or twice a week because I've pushed too hard the other days. When I say "pushed" to hard, which is the most ridiculous part, I mean something like going shopping for 3 hours or going to a Dr.'s appointment and then out for lunch. Apparently I have not really come to terms with this because....

a) there are still other diagnosis out there lingering to be ruled out
b) I seriously cannot wrap my mind around that I can't "make it go away"
c) Every morning I wake up expecting to be "o.k" and then feel sorry for myself when I am not d) I am really "grieving" who I used to be and what I used to be able to accomplish.

Scared? Yes, because there are too many "what ifs" right now....I have tremors now which totally freak me out and the headaches are beyond anything I've ever experienced before. In a way I hope it is "only Fibromyalgia" and that the right medication and lifestyle will get me out of this crash and burn cycle I'm in. In another way though I still find it hard to believe that all of a sudden my life as I knew it got taken away from me almost overnight and that Fibromyalgia is the culprit. I guess that is because in the back of my mind I also have the mindset like most of society that Fibromyalgia is not a "legitimate" disease, although I know better because I've read all the material. It is kind of the same as viewing depression as a weakness I guess, which I also have a tendency to do (even though I know that too is wrong and unfair). I don't know maybe it's the way I was brought up....my dad thinks I should just "get moving" and I'll be o.k.....maybe I believe I should do that too but, I don't know how.

I think it is mostly the season that is putting me in this less than happy state. I see everyone out there having fun and getting "things done" and I want so desperately to be like them again, and I hate being told that I "can't". I'm not dying, I do not have something progressive (that we know of ), and in due time I should be able to manage my life very well.....so I should be happy right? You'd think so but, I am still in the process of understanding and accepting. For some reason I am just not there yet. I feel like a failure, a let down, a bad mother, a bad wife and a "needy" friend. I am not good at not having control and right now I feel like I am sinking and then I feel stupid for feeling like that.

I have good days like all of you reading this....it's just today is not a "good day". I tend to only write a blog when I am happy or positive about something but, today I am showing you that my life is not all smiles and sunshine, I have my dark moments too!

O.k. wow...I actually feel a bit better letting that all out....I hope I didn't bring anyone down but, that was at least a little liberating for me. On to the Good News.....

Aidan has a Mohawk! He's been asking for one for a while now and about 3 weeks ago we decided to take the plunge (after all it's only hair). It turned out pretty darn good and he gets a lot of complements on it! He has also started a trend, 1 of his friends is already sporting a "fauxhawk" and 2 mom's asked us if Judd would be able to give their kids the same "do". Judd should open his own barber shop....if anyone is in need of a Mohawk he'll hook you up! At first it was a little dramatic but, now that it's grown out a bit it's not as scary looking. Next he wants to dye the front of it blue...we'll see.

Aidan also tested for his purple belt in Karate and got it! We were very proud of him, he got all of his answers right on the oral test (what does karate mean, what does Bushido Kai mean, what is his sensei's name, what is a dojo, the 5 rules of karate do, counting to ten in Japanese and a couple others). As for the physical part, we did not realize how grueling it was going to be (after all he is only 6!). It was literally 30 minutes of running, knee jumps, push ups, sparing, curl ups, and floor drops and it did not stop for a minute. One of the other mom's and I were watching and telling them to "not give up" but, we both knew full well neither of us would be able to keep up (assuming I was my "old" self health wise). We are looking forward to next Tuesday when he will be presented with his achievement.

First term reports came out and Aidan also did very well in that area. His teacher told us she could not ask for a better student so we had proud moments all around with him over this past month. I think Aidan has a little crush on his teacher cause he gets mighty shy around her (she is pretty cute after all!). He is always making cards for her at home which is cute. We are glad he likes his teacher, I think that makes learning a lot more fun!

Judd is doing great as usual...he is the picture perfect husband and has been amazingly supportive through all of this. He is a strong person, kind and as compassionate as he is capable of considering he's never really experienced any ailments of his own. He is still forever working on the house and is currently working on fixing all the shotty duct work that was done a little while ago. To my amazement (I thought he was being a little anal about it all) the ducts are blowing like crazy up here right now and it is a huge improvement from what the paid workers had done! I figured it didn't make much sense that is was like 75 degrees in the basement all the time and only 68 degrees and freezing upstairs unless we had the heat on constantly. I just kind of accepted that the "duct people" knew what they were doing so it must be right. This time Judd was right but, I cannot tell him this because I don't want him to think he has the "upper hand" in the relationship....kidding :)

Anyway, my hands are seizing up on me now and it is time to get back to my new best friend (the couch). We are getting ready for Christmas as best as we can and hopefully we will be able to see some of you over the holidays! I will be more "positive" next time I promise!

Judd, Sarah, Aidan, Kneesaa & Ick