Skinny Bitches

Haven't posted something positive in some time....totally obsessed with project 365 and being all OCD with it has taken up oodles of my time.  I'm behind 2 episodes of the Biggest Loser and never miss that show (another obsession) so that gives you an accurate gauge of how important 365 has become to me. 

Speaking of Biggest Loser...bet you thought I'd already fallen off the wagon with my whole healthy lifestyle attempts.....quelle surprise you were wrong.  Maybe you did have a little faith in me this time, if so I will happily accept monetary contributions towards my cause, you know...so I can buy carrots.

I'm officially down 7 pounds so far (shhh don't tell my trainer I weighed myself).  I only did it because right now I am not allowed to exercise according to the all mighty Dr. so I wanted to make sure I was on the right track with my food.  I even started counting calories so I could record it against my Basal Metabolic Rate but, that only lasted a few days because it takes waaaay too much effort on my part.  I got the all clear this week to exercise and can really kick project Buns o' Steel into high gear. 

Recently I learned that my work is closing down the first week of August and since Aidan is spending the WHOLE summer in St.Malo (can I get a hell-ya) I'm going to head out there for the week to spend some time with him.   I am determined to actually feel comfortable half nude in front of a beach full of people this year....if that's even possible.  It's been far too long since I've actually felt good about the way I look in a bathing suit....there was a time though, that is only a distant memory to me now.  It's probably a good thing I don't have a picture of that time.  It would most likely lead to me crying fully clothed on the floor of the shower with it in my clutches. 

So remember when I said that I had calculated to have 2 extras a week would be okay.  Well, I've managed to do less than that.  I usually have 1 extra (aside from one weekend at mom's) and I'm thinking of cutting that out too and just reserving extras for special occasions or time's when I'm out and really want something.   They make me feel like a total bag of shit the next day so I think they are worth not planning anymore.

I have NEVER started a healthy lifestyle and not been grumpy, tired or generally experiencing the feeling that I am depriving myself of something....but, this plan is golden.  Judd's sister is a master (possibly playing Jedi mind tricks on me), I have not had one time where I felt hungry or deprived or even grumpy.  Best of all it's working without exercise!!!  I noticed a fairly heavy weight loss in the first 3 weeks and last week was only a 1 pound drop which tells me it's time to get movin'.

2 girlfriends and I have decided to team up Biggest Loser style and report to our weight every week which will be calculated as percentage of body weight lost.  Whoever loses the least percentage after 5 months has to buy the other 2 dinner....and you'd better believe it won't be a healthy dinner either.  Pulling out all the stops for that one (unless I'm buying...yikes). 

There aren't many things about being a woman that are wonderful unless you count vaginal births, c-sections, PMS, bunions and hammer toes from high heels and natural fat deposits on your hips and ass wonderful.  Aside from all that, the thing I like about women (well most women, maybe only some women) is the fierce support you can get from them.  There is no support like that which you get from your girlfriends, mothers, sisters and so on and so forth.  I like that we've made a pact to be accountable to one another and that we are there to help each other along the way.  We've all had babies....all have the same abdominal surgery scar (although theirs were to bring life into the world and mine are for vanity) and we all carry the battle scars of pregnancy.  Although we realize every stretch mark was worth it in the end, I think it gives us all the more reason to want to look good physically as we have a slight disadvantage already in that department.  Unless there is a club that considers stretch marks a favorable characteristic and if so, where do I sign up?

So every Monday, unless I am too lazy or grumpy to post (okay I'll do it anyway) I will post our stats for the week.  We all realize that the scale is not the all mighty when it comes to weight loss and it's really about how you feel but, it's a fucking competition people!  We need a measuring system!

Here's the first stats (last 2 weeks combined).  Maybe I'll sneak over to their houses late at night and take pictures of them so you can have a visual of who I'm talking about.   I could also ask them for a photo but, that might make things too complicated.

Skinny Bitch      Start Weight       Loss lbs     % weight loss    Total lbs   Total % 

SARAH                      172                   3                   1.74%               3            1.74%

KIM                            207                  5                    2.42%              5             2.42%

PAM                           194                   5                    2.58%              5            2.58% 

I've been eating properly with no exercise.  Pam has been eating healthy and exercising with at home videos (she is also breastfeeding = cheating...kidding Pam).  Kim is an unofficial Weight Watchers member and is on the treadmill at least 4 hours a week. 

Looks like Pam is the winner for our first 2 weeks.  Great work Pam!  I need to find a way to sabotage you take a page out of your book!

If you're a lady friend and you have some extra poundage to loose, maybe you want to be a skinny bitch too?  Feel free to join....there may be a prize in it at the end but, maybe not.


- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (Fat bitch gettin' skinny...with her friends)

Pieces of Me

My most recent diagnosis is Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  The arrhythmia that I have now is not consistent with any sort of actual heart problem but the cardiologist was able to tell that my heart rhythm increased at night the most (doing no activity) and could see palpitations that were sporadic all day.  My doctor has asked to see me tomorrow to discuss a plan of action....because apparently the GAD is bad enough now that I have been physically manifesting the worry (hence all the stress related illnesses).  So there it is...essentially the root cause of all my problems with a little bit of a genetic factor involved.

Anyone who knows me, knows this above all other diagnosis I could've received is the worst news on a personal level.  I'm sorry this is so depressing, I have written other (more pleasant) posts and have yet to finish them, today I am not thinking...or editing....I am just pouring it all out.  Something, apparently I need to do a lot more of without worrying what you out there think of it.  This has always been a sort of strange outlet for me but,  I have not used it to my full advantage.  Before the Canadian Weblog Award thing happened my posts were mostly about the goings-on of my family life...some were relatively entertaining but, mostly dry because I was worried about what you thought and how far to take it.  After the attention I received on this blog because of the awards it became an obsession to be perfect...the perfect writer, the funniest....the best.  I became very anxious about sitting down to write anything in case it wasn't good enough.  What I didn't realize is that it was always, and always will be good enough for me.  I do like that some people whether they are close to me or not take the time to peruse my blog, I like that some of you are invested in it.  So I've decided to continue after a month long hiatus with some new rules (or guidelines) for myself.   

I will write when I feel the need to....or when there is something worthwhile (to me) of writing.  If you are following me on Facebook as well, sometimes I will commit to write and then I don't.  The only piece of advice I have is to remember Sarah = in the moment, and then out of the moment.  My intentions are good but my execution is not always timely.

I will write like no one is reading.  This may become offensive, or depressing, or infuriating to some of you....I can get extreme and generally write when I am feeling really positive or really negative....I usually don't feel the need when I am on an even keel.  I urge you to not read it if you end up feeling that way, especially if you know me because my ups and downs are only a small part of who I am although it's when I feel I am most in tune with my thoughts (no matter how irrational or dramatic after the fact).  My blog is not generally a true reflection of who I really am....just how I am thinking at the time.

I will start using more curse words.  It's how I was brought up, it's how I think and it's hard to edit my train of thought when I need to search for words to replace them with.  As unintelligent as curse words can sometimes make me sound, my writing would be more honest using them the same way they appear in my internal dialogue.

Anyhoo, back to the GAD and I forgot earlier to say that my thyroid problem was never Grave's it is Hashimoto's Disease which I will write about in the future (but, I'm not making any promises haha).  I think it's a much better alternative to Grave's however so I am pleased with the diagnosis on that one.  I can't say I wished it was nothing because that would make me unmistakeably certifiable.  I am on a thin line enough with that one already.  Earlier I had written that this was the worst diagnosis for me...let me explain a little. 

Since I was a little girl I always heard my Dad call my mother crazy.  Being "crazy" was a bad thing, it made you weak, it made you pathetic, it made you expendable...dirty...and ugly.  He also called my half-brother's mother crazy.  Lots of people were "crazy" to him.  My fathers definition of crazy was essentially anyone who did the following (and not all at once):   Cried, got frustrated and then cried,
cried and then hyperventilated because they were pushed to extreme emotional limits, was depressed, slept in too long, felt overly sad about something, expressed pain when they were hurt physically or emotionally and you were really crazy if you ever talked about ending your own life...in fact you would then be taunted to actually go through with it and given a time limit to calm down before you were taken to Selkirk to be admitted.

Now, to you I may have just made my Dad out to be a total monster.  I assure you he is not.  He is a man that came from a different time, with a different set of rules.  He came from a Dad who was abusive, neglectful and spiteful.  He took care of himself for a great deal of his life...hard knocks so to speak.  He has learned to develop skin as thick as armour and for a period in his life I believe belittling anyone who showed emotion was the perfect way for him to gain the upper hand in a relationship and keep control in his life.  My Dad also had undiagnosed Hepatitis C for a major part of his adult life due to intravenous drug use.  This is not an excuse but, a definite factor in how he behaved.  We are in a much better place now, him and I and it as he becomes older and more humble and I become older and more mature we grow closer to finding that incredible bond we once shared when I was a young child and innocent and looked at life one day at a time through rose colored glasses....before the divorce shit storm happened which gutted that little girl.

It has been ingrained in me that having any sort of "in my head" related illness, disorder or syndrome is a weakness, a flaw, something to be ashamed of, something to be embarrassed by.  The first thought that popped into my head when the Dr. told me it was GAD was "well then I should just kill myself now because all this physical stuff is happening to me and I am making it all up.  Because I am crazy...just like my mother."  Secondly the thought "I should've never had a child, now he's going to end up just like his mother....how selfish of me."

I don't actually think my mom is crazy, I don't think I ever did.  I heard that a lot though when I was younger and troubled that I was "crazy" just. like. my. mother.  Everything bad about me is just. like. my. mother.  I don't know if you can even understand how fucking confusing that was....because at that time I felt loved by my mother and that was wrong because I HAD TO love my father.  Those two things could not co-exist.  If I loved my mother or felt loved by her it meant I didn't love my father.  This may not of been a problem if I didn't hold my father on the highest pedestal there was.

Yes, I have "daddy" issues.  It's fairly apparent isn't it?  The thing is that I don't blame him at all.  I still love him and hold him on the highest pedestal there is (don't tell him that though).  The problem is that I have never been able to get over the dark times, those contradictions, that push and pull feeling that I had for such a long time...I just managed to internalize it and the fight continued inside of me even when I didn't realize it was still there.

I see the Doctor tomorrow...she is going to want to put me on antidepressants.  Hopefully she knows me well enough to understand that I have been down that road more times than I will admit and it always leads to a dead end.  This time, I will refuse them.  There has to be another way, I have to learn to cope....I will need help.  I don't know how to change.   Crazy will always be in the back of my mind now, I will stay up and worry about it later....because I don't know another way.  This is who I am.


- The St.Godard Brood Keeper

I've Been Trained

Met with the trainer today (Judd's sister).  Probably not a good start considering I stayed at a friends until 4am gabbing about nothing and everything all at once.  Dragged my ass out of bed at 10am had some french toast complete with syrup and butter (also not good before meeting with trainer) but, I didn't cook it so it can't be held against me.  Guzzled 2 cups of coffee (again...well you know).  Had a shower so as to not be bagged, fat AND smelly....and away I went 10 minutes late.  Come to think of it not being late should've been one of my resolutions because I seemingly do it all the time, although never my intention.  It must be because of all the Plants vs. Zombies I play some unknown force that just always wants me to be late for important dates.

Ordered up some iced teas and Kitsilano sandwiches which were yumma!  Got down to business....real skinny business.  Basically she told me that I am lucky to not be obese considering how inactive I am and that I eat junk food almost every night addictively....also the 4-6 cups of coffee I have daily each with cream and sugar to which she sort of just dropped her jaw.  I had to agree, the only thing that has saved me would be that I have the knowledge on how to eat properly and I do, all day everyday until the evening munchy gremlins get me, and they get me good.

The plan is to have "activity" 6 days a week.  3 strength days, 2 endurance days, 1 flexibility day and 1 day of rest.  Pretty cool right?  Yeah, she's an awesome trainer and really knows her stuff....she is possibly the only person I've met who actually can teach me things I didn't already know but, just haven't applied to my own daily existence.  I trained with her for a bit before I had to appear in a bikini in the Dominican and she practically killed me (kidding) but, it was crazy intense, I wasn't even allowed to watch TV while exercising...I cried a little.

I took the above picture of the pendant light fixture (totally not distracted) while she did a nice routine up for me, with goals to reach because she knows how absurdly competitive I can be, even with myself.  She said that when I reach the goals in a month or a week...wait a second, was that a challenge?....Did she challenge me and I'm not even realizing it until now?  Sneaky, very sneaky.  There are free weights, treadmills, resistance bands, stability balls and tables involved?  I'm a little terror-stricken but, I think I'll be able to manage.

She was demonstrating (in the middle of the restaurant) how to do a Lateral Raise and I just asked her to write "chicken wing" so I would know what to do....she may have been unimpressed at that point, I can't be sure.  There were a lot of things crossed out on my plan because I would tell her "oh, yeah bring it on that's so easy" and then when I saw what she was writing down I had a panic attack and started telling her she was crazy to think I could do all that.  So she wimped it down for me quite a bit to start out...nice of her I guess.

So my aim is to do what is laid out in the plan 100% of the time but, I FAIL if I don't get 80% for 6 weeks time.  Surprised that I am being graded (or must grade myself), not sure when a healthy lifestyle became some ivy league test but, I am too scared to find out what she will do to me should I fall below the 80% marker.  She may be tiny but, I know from experience that when it comes to personal training she doesn't fool around and can be quite frankly....scary.

I have to get 3-4 servings of whole grains, 5 of protein and 6 of veg/fruit daily.  Drink 3 litres of water (minimum 2 litres) and I must attempt to eat every 3 hours until dinner....breakfast when I actually wake up (coffee does not count as breakfast apparently).  Not to mention that I have to cut the coffee down to 1 cup a day, she would've preferred none or to drink it with only milk added but, that was non-negotiable for me.  So caffeine and sugar withdrawal plus tight muscles and having to pee every 5 seconds due to increased water intake should make for some fun times.  I would stay far away from me if I were you and batten down the hatches...wait for the all clear, make sure you bring plenty of supplies.  I've been warned this could take 12 weeks before I feel good about it.

I can have "extras"....which I am no longer allowed to call "treats" because she says a treat doesn't make you feel like shit (which was the most intelligent thing I've heard in a while). "Extras" are things that have no nutritional value but, she forgot about Reese's peanut butter cups....hello, peanut butter?  Totally not an extra....just totally not kidding!   I have to evaluate first whether or not to actually have the extra....do I really want it?  If I do, it's alright to indulge as long as I stay on par 80% of the time.  I've already calculated this to mean that I can have an "extra" 10 2 times a week.

E is for "extra" and elephantine (is that even a word, because if it is I am thoroughly impressed with myself) and excess and ewww

Then, I took the picture below (with only my Blackberry on hand) again, not distracted at all.  It was my view through the mesh blind in the restaurant...I thought the colors and the building silhouette's were totally cool with the sun beaming down on them.  I've missed you sun.

- The St.Godard Brood Keeper (One day at a time....as long as it's 80% of the time)