Well technically yesterday was "weigh-in" day otherwise known as weekly torture but, I did not dare step on that scale when I got home yesterday evening from a weekend in St.Malo. I crashed hard core but, luckily I compensated with quite a bit of exercise so actually getting on that scale today wasn't as traumatic as I anticipated it to be. No loss, no gain...I'm okay with that really.
I "escaped" to St.Malo this weekend sort of on a whim. My mother informed me that the Festival des Amis was going on all weekend and we should come on out...well let's just say after the 2 weeks I've had she did not have to twist my rubber arm one bit. In fact I cancelled all pending engagements and although this is the second time I've cancelled on a dear friend (Sorry Alida), I just knew I had to breathe this weekend....I was surely going to suffocate had I been left in my current state.
Aidan and I hit the open road straight after school let out on Friday and it couldn't have come soon enough. After a restless night of sleep on the couch and an emotional hangover all I needed was to get there...every minute passing drawing me nearer to my refuge, my sanctuary....my lifeline.
I hope that each one of you that's reading this right now has that place to go to, a place to just be and feel good, sleep, eat and be merry. In fact for some of you this may be your very own home and to you I say....consider yourself lucky because my home or the emotional hell that lurks there has torn me apart limb from limb ever since I can remember. Seem dramatic? Maybe. I've really tried to find the root source of my anxiety lately...accepted it, yes but, I still think it's important for me to open my eyes to my triggers and eliminate them as best I can because I really honestly deep down inside feel like at the ripe age of 29 I should not be in this condition. I am fearful of the path my mind and body are leading me down....where will it end...how bad will it get? I'm not willing to find out. I'm also too strong and have been through too much to give up now and let the fear all consume me.
My struggles have been small in comparison to war, hunger or addiction but, they have been struggles none the less. Each day brings new clarity for me, I'm learning to let go but, not before I wade my way through the pain I've carried with me for so long, like a toxic friend I never wanted to let go. Funny that pain can serve as a security blanket at times, preventing me from having to really live, to take risks...to move on.
I have found passion in photography. It is a fantastic outlet for me, gets me up and out whereas before I would've found every excuse in the book to do otherwise. Photography has removed the blinders I once had, it gave me back my true vision...to stop and look at the world that surrounds me, in the unexpected just as much as the expected. I feel a connection with nature’s majesty, its pureness and its astounding beauty. It has lit a fire in my belly that burns furiously pushing me to find new perspectives and interests around every corner. I tend to be obsessive about most new ideas or activities in my life (big surprise) but, this one feels different to me. It's a sense of belonging....that I am on the right path all of a sudden. I don't know how far it will go or what will become of it. What I know right now is that my camera has literally become an extension of me; the sound of the shutter drives me like nothing has ever driven me. I am in love.
Some of my closest friends and family members have had some real tragedies and hurdles thrown at them these past few weeks. A friend’s sister has her second Cancer operation which leads to more questions. A sister-in-law learns her father has just spent 3 days in the woods unable to move and has been rescued with a dim projection on his fate. A best friend experiences the up's and down's of a possible relapse of a disease that is ruthless and destructive and the idea that the monster rears its ugly head once again. An old employee gets a death sentence, an impossible decision and reaches out for some solace, some comfort. A Step Father receives news of a child's untimely and tragic death but is just out of reach to offer personal console. There were many sleepless nights, many tears, panic and sadness that is so profound it could easily consume you with its blanket of darkness.
Day after day, night after night I took those tragedies and cautiously placed them on my shoulders, carried them with me throughout the weeks ahead and late last week they all came tumbling off like an avalanche of emotion ready to suffocate anything that stood in its path. Normally I dig deep and find the empathetic part of me, the part that wants to listen, that wants to care but, this time I had my own emotional turmoil festering in the background which became amplified by the problems of the world around me. I had nowhere safe to turn, I felt stupid for adding anymore strife to these others already complicated lives and really who was I to complain? What right did I have to be sad or confused or angry? What they were going through was so much more significant, life changing even. For once in my life though, I was unable to bury my own emotions and broke, maybe but for a minute but, I broke. One of the scariest feelings I've ever had is to feel like I've lost my control and it was happening day after day and it scares the shit out of me to know I can reach such dark places so quickly that it hits me like a bolt of lightning and then I'm in it before even knowing it was there lurking around the corner...waiting patiently to strike. I have broken before, but when the fog clears I never remember how terrifying it actually is and I somehow manage to fool myself into believing it will never happen again. I am glad I have to tools to always force myself to reach out, grasping at any hand that can somehow pull me back into the light. There are very few choice people who will hear the emptiness in my voice when that happens and I thank God for them every time...I can't imagine it being enjoyable to hear that on the other end of the phone and I can imagine they have their cell phones out with a finger on the 9 just in case. If I don't say it enough or if I've never said it before....Thank You! You know who you are.
So switching gears here in a big way...the weigh in results for my skinny bitches this week. I look forward to this on Mondays (who'd of thought it would be fun to weigh in). Pam has taken back her lead as Kim and I stood still this week....life happens you know. Happy to announce that Pam had to go out and purchase a smaller waist size jean and she is feeling great! I think I'm going to try the exercise thing this week now that I'm in a better frame of mind. I know it will only get better once I get those pheromones pumping through me!
Here's the stats....enjoy!
Skinny Bitch Start Weight Loss lbs % weight loss Total lbs Total %
SARAH 167 0 0% 5 2.91%
KIM 199 0 0% 8 3.86%
PAM 189 3 1.59% 8 4.12%
- The St.Godard Brood Keeper
